Lessons in Life

Wednesday, April 01, 2009 mood: rejected
Awake at 3 am and cannot sleep. My heart feels heavy from a recent incident in my life that changed my perspective on things. I had a very difficult day and to say my stress was intense would be a severe understatement. I sought out consolation of a dear old friend.

With this person I have always found comfort, hope, safe, cared for, uplifted and truly loved… then the crash and burn. As quickly optimistic as this person made me feel; along came the crash and burn...

Through a series of unfortunate events I found my ego tripping over my shoestrings and feeling even lower than before which, believe me, was difficult to do. It is s real tragedy when things get blown out of proportion and end up in such disarray as they did that evening. All because I wanted to make this person feel as content as they made me feel.

Maybe I came on too strong, was stubborn in taking NO for an answer, but to take it to the extreme of hurtful text messaging was not necessary. It was rather childish and yet I found myself actually answering back. Go figure. ....

I am a grown woman and can admit to fault. That evil happy juice known as alcohol played a role in the incident. I was emotional, exhausted from all the tears and seeking and comfort with my old friends, vodka and OJ. Being in the company with someone whom I never thought would let me down was my guarantee to reassurance that things would work out eventually.

This individual has been there with me through desperate times and good times alike. In my weak attempt to return the comfort my ego was crushed. I stormed out and drove home, feigning sobriety behind the wheel which was stupid, stupid, stupid. Over a series of text messages I was instructed to (and I QUOTE) “Leave me the fuck alone” Then I cried till I passed out.....

The next time I find myself in this type of conundrum I will make a much better choice, not only in my selection of beverage (nothing worse than adding to fuel to the fire), but my selection in company.

So why write this blog? What do I have to gain? I’m not sure, perhaps to get the thoughts out “on paper” as it were and bury it in the sea with the rest of my errors in judgment. Now I ask myself “what is wrong with me that BLEEP **insert name here*** did not want me on that level anymore?”

I feel rejected and alone. The most hurtful part of this incident is that I fear I have lost a longtime friend. Although I do accept responsibility for the error of my ways, the truly melancholy fact is that I have one less person in my life for who I can trust wholeheartedly. ....

Lesson learned. It’s not what people say it’s what they do. This, of course, applies to myself as well.