Staying close to the Homestead

Mood: calm, cool and collected

This week, although technically a short one, seemed to drag like the first half of the movie Titanic. Finally Friday was the date open in my organizer. It was finally time to punch the habitual time clock and I had zilch to complete on my calendar. The last few weeks, if not months, I planned on staying in on Friday night, yet always seem to get caught up in a tempting invitation to run amok.

During my workday I felt high as though I had puffed some magic dragon. The only fix I had was a strong cup of coffee before settling in. Perhaps it was the subconscious knowledge that I would be off for the next 48 hours. In any event, the 8 hours breezed by and I gleefully skipped to my car and headed home.

It has been a calm, serene evening since I have been in the casa. My companions have been Oprah, Judge Judy and a hot box of delectable sausage and mushroom on thin crust. After a relaxing shower, I will climb into a freshly washed set of sheets and fall into a peaceful sleep. God bless the luxury of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton and a fluffy pillow.

Searching for the reset button

Today was a day that began disorderly from the very moment I woke up, which incidentally was about 20 minutes late. Like a deranged woman I threw on the first rag I could find, brushed my teeth as I scurried downstairs and broke every traffic law known to man on the road. Despite the good faith effort I still ended up being late. Good intentions turn blurry, especially when one has come to the conclusion that the job they are driving to is nothing more than the means to a financial end.

If it weren’t for my comrades and our relentless flurry of jokes, I think unemployment would be a more enticing fate. Some days, usually Friday’s, resemble a comedy act we should probably take to amateur night. If s stranger walked into the commentary they would think we were crazed females. Case in point, one of the girls, I’ll call her J, stated the other day “I’ll try to keep my vaginal references to a minimum.” Anyone other than us would have heard that and said WTF!!! But if you knew Miss J, this type of statement makes total sense. That girl has some atypical brain waves floating through her cranium. And I love her to pieces for it.

Tomorrow morning when I wake up I will be able to say TGIF!!! If I can just get through one more day I can tell this crappy week to exit stage left. This week has been traumatic, not for myself, but to my closest circle of friends. I must admit I have been blessed to be the individual providing support instead of being the one needing the encouragement. I only wish I could take the hurt and pain away. I remind myself that if there are not trying times, one will not appreciate tranquility when they have it. Economic crisis, instability and unjust force into justification mode are unsettling at best. Defending the indefensible.

As my very wise friend once told me: Control, Alt, Delete. That is what I wish I could have done on this day. Time for a long hot shower, a quick text to MF to reassure I have not forgotten him during this chaotic week, and a crawl into my welcoming bed for some much needed shut eye.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Today was a day full of highs and lows from the moment I crawled out of bed. Unfortunately for me, I had my days confused, all credit for that to the Memorial holiday. I thought today was my day to close the office, meaning I work a later shift, so I showed up to work at 8am thinking I was 30 minutes early when in fact, I was 30 minutes ate! Egads!

I kind of missed my fellow cube monkeys after three days so I was tickled pink to walk in and see all the smiling faces greeting me. It also helps to walk into the office and inhale a strong pot of coffee. If I didn’t know better I would swear it was calling my name. I filled my cup and dove head first into the habitual routine: emails, printing work reports, prioritizing the day’s workload. I must admit the day passed pretty quickly.

I was a good girl and went to the gym after work where I had a letdown hurling me into a very malevolent mood. I promised myself six years ago I would never be 200 pounds again and today I broke that vow. So disheartening; I really let myself down. It’s time to get my fat behind back on track and back into shape. I am going to Los Angeles in two weeks and I want to be back into the 190’s by then. 190 would be fantastic but I would settle for 195.

As if this weren’t depressing enough it was followed by a quick stop into the grocery store. It is frustrating to have such a tight financial strain in this economy. Budgeting your last few dollars to stretch until payday is no easy task. Somehow we always make it and the kids never go hungry. This was a depressing moment knowing I could not get them all food they need.

I was feeling blue when I got home but my kids cheered me up by thanking me for a yummy dinner (I made tacos) and cleaning up without me even asking. I decided that had a lot of nerve being worried over finances when there are people in even more dire straits. Some people cannot even get a few things to last a day or two, nor have jobs or the benefit of belonging to a gym. So, in hindsight, I knocked some sense into my thoughts and found that proverbial silver lining. Turn out the lights, the pity party's over.

Later this evening I finally got to see MF again after two full weeks! That man works harder than anyone I know. Between two jobs and a promising acting career, his schedule stays jam packed. He picked me up and we went to a local place called the Egyptian Tea Room, which is a coffee/hookah lounge. We caught each other up on the latest news while sipping the sweetness of Milky-Way lattes. DELISH!! He really does have potential to be someone special but that’s what I thought about AJ too, so I am being more careful this time around. I guess time will answer all. Buenos noches!

Maxin' and Relaxin'

Mood: content

As previously theorized, Friday night was spent at the Chico Club; however, I was a good girl and kept my reality evasion therapy intake to a minimum of a single serving of wine. Does a bottle count as a single serving? ;-D

It actually began Friday afternoon... so let me back up.... as Friday was a pre-holiday workday, the office closed up at noon, so all the cube monkeys rolled out to Ocean Beach for some pizza on Newport Ave, washed down with some rapsberry Framboise. two words: Alcoholic Orgasm.

Saturday and today were spent completely lackadaisical. My sole source of physical movement consisted of conquering the stairs to refill my water glass. Sustenance was heating up an oh-so-cheap (but delish) Tina frozen bean and beef burrito, popping a bag of popcorn, or a handful of cherries. Movie after movie was watched and yet somehow I managed to get my bedroom cleaned and the laundry done. Go figure! Speaking of grub I am suddenly craving a turkey sub so off I go to get my five dollar foot long!

PEACE OUT……

Thursday reflections

Mood: relaxed

The God's of work must have heard my prayers because this week each day meshed into the next rather seamlessly. Dues were paid, Y chromosome jokes were shared, virtue triumphed. Friday is now in my scope and although no plans have been set, I will most likely end up at my local watering hole toasting with the usual gang of miscreants.

Every week I plan on spending a quiet weekend at home, relaxing and getting caught up on tedious tasks. Yet somehow, through well practiced rationalization, I get caught up in the Friday burn out, throw on my miniskirt and hypodermic heels, head out to turn on my Friday night flirtation and troll for new victims. I kid. No victims, just the regulars who I see every weekend.

On a positive note, I have submitted several resumes online this week. It feels great to be proactive in the search for a better career opportunity. I have been Sherlocking all the credible internet sites I can find and applying for better opportunities. I must admit I shed a few tears of pride when I was able to update my resume to say AA Degree “completed” in lieu of “currently attending.”

One of the facilities hiring is a place I worked as a temporary employee last year. SDHPC has a beautiful mission; that no one should die alone or in pain. It has been my goal to be hired permanently and be a part of this awesome mission, so I am crossing my fingers that something will come out of this. I would love to add this to my roster of successes.

Well, time to take the daughter to dinner. The son is watching CIF playoffs so it’s just us chics hanging out together tonight. Hopefully we will follow it up with a movie and a tuggle (family word for snuggle) in bed.

Thank God it’s almost Friday!

All good things must come to an end

This has been a lovely 3 day weekend, filled with family, friends, personal reflection, spirituality and quiet personal time. Friday brought good times with co-workers in an after hours mingling of stories, adult beverages and no shop talk.



Saturday dawned at a very delayed hour, I awoke to the sound of my beloved furry companion wagging his tail and kicking his hind leg in his sleep, dreaming of chasing the lizards in our backyard. The kids and I were hungry so we all washed away the eye boogers out and brushed away the yuck mouth and headed to the local mom and pop breakfast joint. When our bellies were stuffed to the gills we headed home (safe and sound with a 16 year old driver behind the wheel). The rest of the day was a mesh of reading, napping, classic movies and more napping.

Sunday morning rolled around, after a delicious home-brewed pot had been consumed I was amped on caffeine and began house cleaning. Living in Southern California, when the weather is dry, the ants like to attack our kitchen searching for water like a wandering nomad in the Saudi desert. An hour later the counters and floors were so clean one could eat off them.

As this was also where the saying "what goes up must come down" comes into play, the caffeine had worn off and I was ready to nap. (Gotta love these lazy weekends of rest) My intentions of gardening and cleaning out the garage became blurry indeed. Again, the rest of the day was filled with napping, reading, and eventually catching up on emails.

Today was Monday, the kids were at school and I enjoyed another quiet day. I finally went back to the gym to get my workout regimine back in gear. My exercise routine has been void of any priority to say the least. Although the machines were cursing my muscles for being absent so long, I perservered like the litle engine that coul and finished a great workout. This afternoon I barbequed some burgers and chicken, made a fresh pasta salad and baked beans, the kids and I shared a nice family dinner in our backyard with the scent of honeysuckle in the air.

As the title stated, all good things must come to an end..... so now I am watching the news and finishing my blog catch up. This week is a short one so I am knocking on wood, crossing fingers, and praying to the work Gods that it goes by speedy.

Underachiever's Manifesto

Celebrate good times, COME ON! (come on, you know the song, sing along with me) Today is finally Friday YAY!!! Even better, payday Friday, or as I refer to it, payment transfer day. The workday seemed like it would never end but as it always does.... clock out time eventually came and I gleefully skipped out of the building.

This has been a long, soap opera style week. I must admit today there was finally a more eased atmosphere in the office. There was at a variety of conversation topic instead of the gossip reitterated. So much so, in fact, that towards the end of the day we were back to normal; exchanging weekend plans and joking amongst one another. Somehow I, being the oldest one in the office, was dubbed Grapple the Sabretooth. LOL.

Don't ask ya'll... It was an on-location type of joke, if you were not there, you wouldn't find it funny. But basically, the Grapple part is a take off my given name and the Sabretooth was a nicer way of calling me a cougar. (Since I am not yet 40, I told the girls I didn't qualify as a cougar yet.) Tonight we may all meet up at my local dive bar for a toast to moving on and putting all the week's drama behind us and burying all the bad medicine. Moving along, after a quick stop off to purchase a handbag I had my eye on for a few weeks, I headed to pick up the daughter from school.

Question: What do you get when you combine one new pair of shoes, a new dress, silver accessories and getting your hair done? One extremely giddy pre-teen with a nervous smile. Her and her circle of friends are eagerly anticipating the end-of-the-year dance. Ah to be young again. I shall now sign off for the evening, with a chaparrone hat in my near future. Happy Friday Ya'll!!

High tide

After such a chaotic workday on Wednesday I went home for Mission POSSible. I emailed five resumes, and followed up with three more faxed this morning. As that beautiful squeak from the receiving fax machine chirped at me, I said a silent prayer to the Gods of Employment to allow at least one of my ditties have a beneficial outcome.

Meanwhile the office MOJO is polluted with gossip, nasty comments and unhappy coworkers. I suppose once that invisible boundary has been crossed the damage is done, reentry into good standing is hard pressed. Even grown adults can behave as petulant children. Until my knock on opportunity’s door is answered I will continue to dance the medical record waltz as a means to stay financially afloat. Tread lightly my friends, tread lightly. Blondie said it best “The tide is high but I’m holdin’ on”

My evening was filled with quality time with mi familia. We finally used a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and enjoyed the culinary euphoria of California cheese steaks, orange chicken and a knock-your-socks-off burger. To top the meal off we indulged in a few desserts to bring home along with most of our dinner in take out boxes.

Once our waistlines ballooned beyond recognition, we strolled through the mall to work off some of the grub. The daughter and I found a cute dress for her dance tomorrow and a new pair of dressy sandals to boot, all for under $25.00. I love a bargain!

It is now the closing of my day. I have an old black and while classic movie on “The Verdict” on, browsing the web for new job prospects and retiring to bed early as tomorrow begins at 5:30 am instead of 7am. I will conclude my night with a prayer for strength, wisdom, courage, and giving thanks for all things blessed in my life.

Caught In That Limbo Thing

mood: unsettled

Pardon my lack of updates but it has been a rollercoaster of a week and today is only Wednesday. How do I stress thee... let me count the ways.

Monday morning bloomed with the promise of a movie date with MF later that evening, little did I know this would be the highlight of a treacherous week. Home life is comfortably numb now that I have the luxury of a "normal" life after the workday. The son is in the middle of swim meet championships and the daughter is looking forward to her first school dance, and yours truly is enjoying the freedom of an open post-work schedule; free of homework, tests or study sessions.

The work life on the other hand, resembles a paramedic collecting limbs from the scene of a horrific accident. It's hard to tell who is friend or foe or who is going to get the last laugh. So much drama leaves an unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach and a gasp of relief when seeing the office building disappear into your rearview mirror at the close of the day. I remember the days when I looked forward to work, even on a Monday morning, because I have such a close bond with all the fellow coworkers. Although that bond still remains there is an ugly stench in our once-happy office.

Plan of action: punch in, handle my business, punch out. Period. End of story. After work, job search. I shall be humbly grateful to have a job and paycheck, but caught in the limbo of hoping for a greater opportunity. I will not be waiting for the proverbial ax to fall.

Sunday Morning Reflections

Mood: reflective (duh)

Another weekend almost gone. Friday was supposed to be a kick-back-at-home night. A little “me” time; a pedicure, a facial, a classic movie and an early night to bed. The only thing that happened out of that plan was the early night to bed, and that’s if you count early in the morning.


Through a mutual friend I was talking to a new guy via text and eventually over the phone. While I have feelings for A.J., I am following my intuition that we will never be serious. But I digress…

I meet up with this new guy; we shall baptize him as “MF.” We converge at the local dive bar, share a drink and get to know each other. He is not the typical reflection of what I am physically attracted to, but he is a complete southern gentleman with manners, ambition, and a great sense of humor. My friend K meets up with us, shares a shot and we all head out. MF goes to work, me and K come back to my place and meet up with our other friend J who is there waiting for us. We end up playing Wii bowling and Rock Band until midnight.

Saturday was spent mainly in and out of sleep comatose, reading and watching a Forensic Files marathon. I was feeling very frisky after a night of temptation but no follow through. AJ came by on his way to work. He promised me he would not drink that night (his night job is at a club) and would come back after work. I had the Sade playing, candles flaming, his dinner in the oven warming and a cute nightie on. Later that evening he texts me, informing me he is drunk. I was so let down I told him to just go home. The candles were blown out, dinner thrown away and the music off. I thought we were genuinely back on the right track but as the saying goes, three steps forward, two steps back. The shame of it is that I really do like him. I could have deep feelings if given enough time, but actions like these are immature and foolish. I also like MF but we have only just met and anyone can seem nice in the beginning.

Oddly enough I awoke feeling very relaxed and at peace with the whole situation. I told AJ how I feel and why I told him to skip coming to my place. Perhaps I am at an age in my life where I do not waste energy on pointless battles. I no longer will chase a man simply to be in their life. I am no track star and when you chase a man, all he does is run.

Moving on, it is a beautiful day in southern California, I have a gorgeous breeze and am on my balcony watching the birds fly through the treetops and enjoying a nice cup of coffee. My dog is at my feet and I am quite content with life. It is Mother’s Day and I am putting all this man hullabaloo behind me and focusing on the two best blessings I have in this world, my offspring.

So if anyone is reading this, Happy Mother’s Day, enjoy your time with those you love. Tell at least one woman in your life how special she is, even if it can’t be your own mother.

Quallity time with my dog

mood: Broke, empty pockets

Well it is Friday night of a non-payday week. In this economy that means you either stay home, or wear something seductive so someone will buy you a drink. lol. That is, if you want to go out. Tonight I am feeling very mellow. I partied so much last weekend for my graduation I think I am partied out. And only having money that jingles, not folds, also hinders things.

So, for tonight, I am staying in, watching the Laker game, have a vodka and hawaiian punch (kinds gross but all we had around here!), spending time with my dog. Probably do a facial and a pedi. Hope it's a relaxing weekend.

After Thoughts

mood: reflective

As my Wednesday hump day was heading into the homestretch I was pleasantly surprised to get a text from the gentleman I shall henceforth refer to as "A.J."

He writes that he misses how we used to relax in each other’s company, following with an invitation to his house. I obliged the request with the stipulation that I could watch the Laker game while there… It is the playoffs after all and a girl needs her Kobe Bryant fix!

I watched my Los Angeles posse fight for their victory while sitting next to him with the obligatory glass of Muscatto in hand. We behaved like two teenagers… holding hands and stealing kisses (and I “cop” to a few caresses as well, no pun intended) when the parents were not watching. Obviously I had to be coy with him until the commercial breaks (what an I say? It was a great game!)

When the game was over he walked me to my car and gave me a warm, firm embrace and a kiss on the cheek. I drove away with a final wave of the hand, feeling relieved that we seemed to be putting passed issues behind us. The vibe I feel now is one of moving forward.

What the future holds, I am unaware. I can say that the connection, once feared as lost, has been reborn. We no longer vacillate about labeling our relationship or torment each other regarding what the future holds. I am content to sashay down our unchartered path, as long as he continues holds my hand while stroll down that path.

Zen

Mood: content

As I am feeling very content today (will explain in a later post) I wanted to upload a picture, one I took last year, that reflects the relaxed feeling I have now....

As a preface, I spent time with the new guy, has some hugs and kisses and quality time, and things are back on the right path... More later

To "Relationship" or not to "relationship," THAT is the question

Mood: Dazed and Confused
So a month ago I meet a guy. I was not looking to hook up, rather is was another night out partying with the best friend, Goldie. We are geared up in our usual club garb, people watching from the bar.. me with my Long Island Iced Tea and Goldie with her Guiness.

We are chillin out, talking about our week and relaxing when ths cutie pie walks up to the bar to get a drink. He orders, looks at me, we exchange hello's, and he walks away. Little did I know this guy was the DJ for the night, meaning he is there to work, not participate in the meat market frenzy. A little while later we are getting ready to head out and he comes back. By this time I have downed my liqued courage and make eye contact, flirt with him, being so bold to ask for his phone number. This is something I NEVER do. But this guy was different.

Next day he calls, by Sunday we meet for coffee. The weeks folowing we spent many evenings sharing stories at Starbucks and just hanging out getting to know one another. Things go great.... that is, until one night two weeks ago.

Fresh home from the local watering hole, I get a phone call at 12:30 am asking if I am still up. I am, and he tell me he is outside my house. He just finished up a DJ gig that night. Although in a sober frame of mind I would have told him he was crazy for showing up unannounced, but being buzzed I didn't mind and told him to come in. One thing lead to another and ba-da-bing, we make love. Next day, things are cool. The days to follow, NOT so cool. He becomes distant, quiet and non-communicative.

Finally tonight we talked things out. He says he likes me alot, but has had bad luck with the last three relationships ending because the females did not want to share him with his sons, with whom he has full custody. He says he doesn't want a commitment until they are grown, which is another three years. But he loves spending time with me and knows himself well enough to realize he would want to have a relationship with me despite all his fears, but is just not sure he can get serious with any woman at this point of his life.

Being a single parent, I respect this. I have two of my own that I am fiercly protective over and would not even consider a live-in situation for another five years until mine are grown. So my quandry is this..... do I continue dating him with no commitment, allowing my heart to get involved, knowing he wants no commitment, or so I step aside, protect my already damaged-but-healed-heart and miss him terribly?

I care about him a lot. I don't mind that he is a financially strapped single father, nor that he has very little money to entertain me. In this economy, everyone is budgeting, myself included. This man is college educated, a dedicated father, fully capable of relationships (in the past), genuine, honest, humorous, handsome, and makes me feel beautiful when we are together. In a nutshell, he is someone a girl could take home to meet her mom.

What is a girl to do?

Just another magnificent Monday

Current mood: content

The first day in the life of a college grad…

…was nothing short of spectacular. Although there is the pending loom and doom of student loan payments ahead and no tangible job offers in the field, it was a blessed day indeed. Right out the gate, I awoke from a sound sleep, threw the hair into a ponytail and found just the right ensemble of rags to adorn my positive vibe.

I headed out the door happy to have a job waiting for me. Upon arrival I saw the smiling faces of fabulous co-workers and inhaled the scent of fresh coffee in the air. After pouring my morning cup of Joe I dove head on into a ton of paperwork, endless phone calls, faxes and data entry.

After stepping through a few piles of shit courtesy of our outsourced buddies in India and a quick catnap at lunch, I headed home. On my way out I was granted the most delish jar of homemade pasta sauce by one of my favorite peeps in the world, courtesy of her outsourced personal chef, otherwise known as Le Boyfriend.

A quick 10 minute drive through town and I was home, tossed some pasta into boiling water and watered my newly transplanted garden while they cooked into tender little swirls of perfection. The best compliment went out to Chef Nick from my never-satiated 16 year old son who was so enamored by the sauces flavor he didn’t even ask me to pass the parmesan nor fill a second bowl.
And now here I sit, sipping a hot latte on my balcony, watching the sun go down over the pacific. It is clear enough that I can see the ocean today, which is a rarity in this age of air pollution combining with the clouds of May gray. I hear the inspiring sounds of the high school band practicing a few blocks away, the resonance of percussion and bagpipes carried in the airwaves.
I may not have the luxuries and riches some strive for, but in my mind, a day like this was a blessing that will not be taken for granted. And that is the best luxury of all.

~~~~INFINATE GRATITUDE~~~~

Current mood: blessed
To all of the wonderful peeps who came out last night, I LOVE YOU!!! Although it is my name on the degree, it is every bit yours as well. You all supported me during my educational path in your own way. You nourished me with your kindness and encouraging words. When I couldn't even see the light at the end of the tunnel, you reminded me that the payoff in the end would be well worth the struggle. To Christina and Stefanie, the flowers are beautiful and my bedroom has the most wonderful fragrance! To Valerie and Estella, thank you for the Muscatto... how sweet you were to remember what I like! To Nicole and Nic, the Skyy WAS the limit!!

Thanks for coming and celebrating my college grauation with me. A special thank you to my best friend in the world, Angela, for inspiring me to return to college and finish my degree. You kicked my ass when I felt like giving up, you kept me on track when I would have rather gone out, and most of all, you never stopped believing in me. You are the epitome of what a real woman is.

SUNDAY MORNING THOUGHTS

Current mood: relaxed
I awoke in my darkened bedroom. The curtains were drawn but the windows open. The breeze was gently blowing the curtains keeping the room cool and fresh. Thanks to my fabric softener, I inhaled the scent of vanilla orchid. Outside, the blue jays were chirping to one another and frolicking amongst the tree tops, at eye level view from the exact spot where my head rested on my pillow.

In front of me was my beautiful daughter, sleeping with her morning book in her hand. Obviously she had snuck into my bed when waking up, bringing her book with her, where she promptly fell back to sleep. Her face looked so peaceful and innocent. He had a few loose curls of brown hair falling across her cheek and her eyelashes never looked so long.

Behind me was the dog, freshly groomed and bathed, curled up against the small of my back. His breathing was slow and deep. Every few minutes his foot shook as though he were dreaming of bird chasing. The alarm clock went off, the sound of gospel jazz filling my ears, perfectly fitting for a Sunday morning. I found myself unconsciously smiling as I drifted back to sleep.

SERENITY AMONGST CHAOS

Current mood: blessed
This afternoon I found myself with a few minutes to catch my breath from an otherwise very long and hectic day. As I took a stroll down the long hallway of doom all I could think about was all the tasks waiting for me upon my return to my little cubicle in the professional realm. I pushed open the door and stepped into a whole other world. Trying to find the appropriate words to describe the essense of today's natural beauty has left me speechless.

In this little quiet spot I could feel the sun kissing my cheeks and feel the gentle breeze caressing my skin and softly blowing my hair. The birds were chirping as though they were in their own private sanctuary and the scent of fresh blooming jasmine filled my senses with a frangrance only mother nature could provide. The sky was a perfect shade of blue and each cloud looked as though it was strategically placed just for my enjoyment.

As I took a deep breath I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and inner peace, almost spiritual in nature. In a world full of chaos, uncertainty, and general daily stresses, I found a sanctuary in the middle of the city, just when I needed the decompression the most. Suddenly the issues I had been praying about seemed unimportant and not worthy of my prayers. Worries and the unsettling within my own heart simply became irrelevant and an overall acceptance was found. As my new friend says (maybe too much) "It Is What It Is".

I realized my prayers were misguided. Instead of wishing for situations to resolve the way that I felt would make me happy, I have changed my prayers to be centered around what He knows is the best for me.

It is truly amazing how, in one unexpected moment, your fears and self criticisms can melt away in the right surrounding, once you step outside yourself and just enjoy a few minutes of nature. I do believe God was in my heart today filling me with love and faith, and reminders of what a truly blessed woman I am.

Lessons in Life

Wednesday, April 01, 2009 mood: rejected
Awake at 3 am and cannot sleep. My heart feels heavy from a recent incident in my life that changed my perspective on things. I had a very difficult day and to say my stress was intense would be a severe understatement. I sought out consolation of a dear old friend.

With this person I have always found comfort, hope, safe, cared for, uplifted and truly loved… then the crash and burn. As quickly optimistic as this person made me feel; along came the crash and burn...

Through a series of unfortunate events I found my ego tripping over my shoestrings and feeling even lower than before which, believe me, was difficult to do. It is s real tragedy when things get blown out of proportion and end up in such disarray as they did that evening. All because I wanted to make this person feel as content as they made me feel.

Maybe I came on too strong, was stubborn in taking NO for an answer, but to take it to the extreme of hurtful text messaging was not necessary. It was rather childish and yet I found myself actually answering back. Go figure. ....

I am a grown woman and can admit to fault. That evil happy juice known as alcohol played a role in the incident. I was emotional, exhausted from all the tears and seeking and comfort with my old friends, vodka and OJ. Being in the company with someone whom I never thought would let me down was my guarantee to reassurance that things would work out eventually.

This individual has been there with me through desperate times and good times alike. In my weak attempt to return the comfort my ego was crushed. I stormed out and drove home, feigning sobriety behind the wheel which was stupid, stupid, stupid. Over a series of text messages I was instructed to (and I QUOTE) “Leave me the fuck alone” Then I cried till I passed out.....

The next time I find myself in this type of conundrum I will make a much better choice, not only in my selection of beverage (nothing worse than adding to fuel to the fire), but my selection in company.

So why write this blog? What do I have to gain? I’m not sure, perhaps to get the thoughts out “on paper” as it were and bury it in the sea with the rest of my errors in judgment. Now I ask myself “what is wrong with me that BLEEP **insert name here*** did not want me on that level anymore?”

I feel rejected and alone. The most hurtful part of this incident is that I fear I have lost a longtime friend. Although I do accept responsibility for the error of my ways, the truly melancholy fact is that I have one less person in my life for who I can trust wholeheartedly. ....

Lesson learned. It’s not what people say it’s what they do. This, of course, applies to myself as well.

Prologue

Hello and welcome to my little corner of the web universe. A little something about me.... I live in Southern California with my two children. They are blessings like no other, although I am pretty sure most parents say this. But I have honest bragging rights ya'll!

My son is a junior and currently holds a 4.8 GPA, participates in sports at his high school and does volunteer work with the Key Club organization. He graduates next year and hopes to attend either UCLA or USC as his life's ambition has been to become a doctor since about age 10.

My daughter is in 7th grade, currently maintaining a 4.0 GPA. She is somewhat more reserved and does not participate in school activities yet but she reads at least three books a week, likes cooking, dancing, singing, and video games. She is an animal lover and wants to be a teacher "when she grows up."

This leaves me... well, there is a lot to me but I suppose the basics are requied so any readers can get a grasp on who the author is. I am 37, finally a graduate from the University of Phoenix (last week actually) and work full time in the area of medical records for life insurance carriers. This by no means is a career move, as I aim to get a new job in the social services field now that I have graduated. In my "spare time" I like to read, cross-stitch, write, shoot pool, party with my friends and watch movies. I also dabble in photography and gardening. I have found myself writing random thoughts much more lately which is why I created the blog. I consider this my virtual diary, so I shall emain nameless and faceless in order to protect the identity of the not-so-innocent..... that would be me!

Signing off,
"Cali"