2010 Reflections

It was the best of times it was the worst of times... No, I am not referring to the Dickens quote in the intro of "A Tale of Two Cities," but the year of 2010.

These last 12 months have brought geographic distances to friendships and emotional closeness to others. While some maintain their strength despite several state lines in between, others have dissipated like clouds after a downpour. The remnants remain present, reminding you of days past, but the clear skies offer new perspectives. Existing friendships have blossomed into beautiful gardens, bonding a sisterhood stronger than I ever thought possible, meanwhile others have had a rude awakening, much like a bear waking up early out of hibernation. The reality is not always pretty, but it is still reality.

Jobs have come and gone, homes have come and gone, and emotions sometimes got the best of us, but through it all we have managed to steer clear of the clutter of bullshit and keep sanity in tact, even if it was on a wing and a prayer. It is truly a tribute to a higher power how people are put into your life for a reason and are removed from your life for other reasons. The secret, my friends, is following your innate sense of intuition, asking for help, and accepting it when it is presented, not letting pride stand in your way. To decline the help is an insult to that same higher power. I have learned this year the value of taking the emotion out of an equation and making a decision based on facts. Dragnet said it best "just the facts, ma'am. "

To the miscreants, leeches, and other first class parasites I have had the displeasure of interacting with this year, I feel nothing but sympathy, and regard you as nothing more than a slimy bottom feeder. Your moral bankruptcy is quite transparent and someday, when your house of cards tumbles, you will realize that stench that surrounds you is nothing but the end result of conducting yourself like a total butt munch with a truth and ethics allergy.

For the rest, those I cherish, both new and old, know that my intentions are always good even if it means speaking an ugly truth. You can always count on me to be honest, loyal, and forthcoming. You are the epicenter of my heart and if not for my family and friends my life would surely have been dark in the past 12 months.

To those that have faith in a higher power, do not disregard the words as mere cliche when one utters "everything happens for a reason". Keep your strength, your integrity, and your class in tact. Keep progressing with your head held high. If you spend all waking hours trying to figure out then why's and why-nots, you may very well miss the meant-to-be's and overlook what was truly God's plan all along. Enjoy each day and keep me close in your heart, because that is where I keep you.

Our futures are unwritten. If we encourage one another, offer support and guidance, we can make 2011 the year we all achieve great things.

BACK TO LIFE

After much turmoil and effort, hours spent driving to interviews, constant revisions of a resume, anticipating line of questioning and developing the best possible answers, and a whole crap load of prayer... I GOT A JOB!!!!! Suffice it to say, I am kicking up my heels in glee, praising his Holiness and exhaling a huge sigh of relief. Wow, does it feel GREAT to be back in the land of the working, time clock and all. Stay tuned.....

The way I see it.

It started out great... as long as I was willing to drive you wherever, basically WHENever you needed. I paid for everything because I believed you when you said you were waiting on a new debt card, which just HAPPENED to have been lost at the same time we were supposed to split the cost of a hotel room.

I cooked for you, brought you lunch and coffee, washed your cloths, drove you to work at times, to haircuts, and even brought you downtown to party with your friends-no questions asked. I did all this out of the goodness of my heart, willingly, on my own free will. You actually ASKED me for very little. I have no regrets. I cared for you so much I just wanted to make your daily routine as easy as possible.

What you gave in return was chivalry. Opening doors, constantly being affectionate, being complimentary, saying all the right things about being ready for a relationship, meeting my kids, even being friends with my son.

But I'll tell you where you slipped up. Telling me about your friend who is using an older woman. I don't think you realize how much you appeared to find humor and admiration in his actions. Your face betrayed you and gave you away. Men like this are like wolfs circling the herd looking to pick off the most vulnerable. Suddenly the age difference between us seemed a real issue whereas before it didn't matter much to me.

Perhaps this is how you saw me. Perhaps not. I see myself as an average-to-cute looking, sensitive, older woman with "baggage" and a heart as wide as the ocean. My "baggage" is the love I have for my kids and choice to always make them my priority. I have a lot to offer and try to see the best in people. I think you used this fact to your advantage. Preying on my generosity, my willingness and my accessibility.

Now you have access to your finances again and a vehicle of your own, so your need for me is void. After all, you said it yourself, you are the "best." (Although I still think you need a reality check on this. Believe me, I have had bigger, better more sincere all at once) I'm sure you have females coming at you left and right offering themselves. I hope one of the will genuinely offer you everything I gave, and doing this innately from a sense of respect and dedication, NOT for what they think they will get out of you.

Next time I do all these things it will be with much more trepidation and the poor man will probably have to walk over coals to convince me he is sincere. And FYI, if you know I read your facebook wall, why would you respond to "Don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me" with "Yea, I do lol". But have no worries, I have never had a lack of male attention so I am relatively secure in the looks dept. Now I'm moving on... someone will appreciate all the loving things I do and the genuine heart I offer.

The Dating Diaries

In my last rampage I discussed inner confusion with regard to dating someone new. And now, only a short time later, things have rapidly changed. As the old cliche goes... God works in mysterious ways.

There is a new someone special in my life now and he is such a breath of fresh air. No, he is not Mr Perfect, but he has so many amazing qualities. Perhaps I am putting the cart in front of the horse, but I see this relationship having some serious potential.

There is nothing quite as attractive as a man with ambition, intelligence and all the qualities of a true gentleman. Time to delete the losers and users from my emotional attendance sheet.

Stay tuned...

Sweet Tooth

Today I found a moment of peace and tranquility. After a shower and a coat of lotion, I sat on my bedroom balcony wrapped in a towel and enjoyed the afternoon sun. The warmth on my face, breeze on my skin, wind chimes playing their own bamboo tune and a tall glass of water with fresh orange slices completed the mood. Sometimes we lose sight on how the simplest things can put a smile on our face.

I was so content I made dinner to jazz music and enjoyed a meal with my two offspring, followed by a spontaneous trip to Baskin Robbins for
a double scoop of pralines 'n cream/pistachio.

Relationships in Generation EX

In a world full of contradiction, uncertainty, confusion, impediment, and malice towards others, one finds it exceedingly difficult to fully trust and open their heart and lives to others...

It is virtually impossible to decipher the good people from the bad anymore; to differentiate the individuals who tell you things that are seemingly sincere from those who are just playing the game. It is hard to determine if you believe their words because it was what you wanted or needed to hear or because it is based on actual, sincere, genuine personal feeling. When you are constantly offered disingenuous rhetoric or Casanova game you become desensitized to it and it becomes routine to assume every new guy is only out to play the fascinated role and affix himself to you until he becomes bored and moves on to his next victim.

Hearing the same dialog repeated but with different verbiage, tone or insinuation, yet with the same outcome, how does a person learn to have faith in someone new who speaks along the same general method of operation? How does a woman differentiate if this new man is of a higher caliber? Does one assume this new found admirer is the exception or the rule? Do they give said person a chance out of faith, or do they keep the wall around their heart in full protective mode out of habit?

Do they listen to personal instinct or advice from others? Does personal instinct become infected with tainted memories of past experience? Does advice from others come from a place of hurt and retaliation?

It is common to become clouded by one’s own thinking, confused by too much deliberation, or wandering in circles of pandemonium so much you can no longer remember where you started, what you wanted, or what your concerns stemmed from. Sometimes you cannot recall when exactly that magical line was crossed when you opened up to someone enough to allow them into your personal zen of thought. A woman asks herself if the line was actually crossed or if it was just enough gentleman-esque behavior that the protective shield was worn down.

The time has come when it is the proverbial needle-in-the-haystack to meet someone of interest, date, exchange phone calls, feelings, daily events, or simple good morning-good night calls, meet for coffee and not just for the first date, but throughout their courtship. When a woman feels secure enough to cook a man dinner or wash his cloths and he returns in kind by killing a spider or checking the cars fluid levels. This is done out of affection and genuine interest in developing the relationship further by both parties.

Women have become disenheartened by a continued cycle of regret that they no longer allow themselves to openly trust someone without those evil little nagging doubts in the back of their mind telling them to protect themselves from repeated hurt.

Apologies

I have written a few monologues lately that just did not do justice to how I have truly felt. Life's ups and downs have left me feeling uncreative, critical of my own self, and at a loss of motivation to write. In the spirit of pulling myself out of this funk, I have attempted to write a piece on how I see relationships in Generation EX, when most people I seem to meet lately are all about self interest, self satisfaction and self indulgence; An epidemic of lack of concern, SINCERE CONCERN for others. Of course, there are exceptions.

A few decent men who appear to have potential, and a small handful of females who have shown me that although my best friend in the world is now living 1500 miles away, I am not alone in my need for female bonding. These ladies have proven to me that they are secure within their own close friendships and mean NOT to replace anyone, but to simply reassure me that I still have good gals in my corner. To you ladies, I dedicate this entry and perhaps the next as well.

I'm the Type of Girl Who...

Will help an elderly person across the street
Loves to see fathers holding their babies
Considers my closest friends my family
Will go the the movies alone Lets my dog sleep on my bed
Keeps snacks in my glove compartment for homeless people
Appreciates a door being opened for me
Will pick up a friend at 3am no questions asked
Keeps it real.. would tell the ugly truth before a pretty lie
Loves pink
Procrastinates
Watches guilty pleasures on TV
Gets teary seeing elderly couples holding hands
Am self-proclaimed fashion police
Would take away my friends' pain if I could
Tends to get tipsy when I have a good time with friends
Gives the benefit of the doubt but not instant trust, that must be earned
Admires the work, both on screen and off screen of Audrey Hepburn
Loves watching the rain
Can get in the car and take a spontaneous road trip without a destination
Will buy extra food for someone asking for money outside a fast food joint
Loves live music regardless of genre
Can attend class at midnight when I can't otherwise sleep
Can snuggle with a friend without feeling weird
Is saddened by reliance on electronic communication
Is still intimidated by my father at almost 40 years old
Keeps an open mind
Jumps in the waves full throttle
Will share my blanket
Sometimes wants to strangle my kids but would always kill for them
Falls asleep to the TV because I hate feeling alone
Appreciates nature
Listens to song lyrics
Buries my nose in the tummy of a baby and inhales their soft scent
Is addicted to forensic shows
Puts a frozen strawberry in my wine
Watches the sunset and appreciates the spirituality it
Feels lonely in crowds

Dark Forecast

Allow me to shed some light on Clinical Major Depression. No, it does not simply mean someone feels down or has a case of the blues. It is a life-altering condition that is one of the most misunderstood, dismissible diseases...

Gray skies are smiling at me. Seemingly mocking my emotions and goading me to continue feeling deflated. Like an airless balloon and no ability to rise above the nonsense and hurdles in life. I have no interest in anything and find it increasingly difficult to function at sea level just to get through the daily routine. Constant sadness, chronic fits of tears. You begin to cry yet have no idea what made you cry, which causes you to cry more.

Sleep denies me tonight. I toss and turn with terrible thoughts running amok in my head. Dark estimations of self worth I wish on no one, not even my arch nemesis, if I had one. But wait… I do have one. It is my own self. How ironic is that? When people say we are our own worst enemy they hit the depression nail on the head. Most people on the roster of disconsolates know what needs to be done to shake the blues, yet somehow, find it nearly impossible to take the steps. There is no drive to augment our emotional state because we feel hopeless and as though we deserve to stay miserable.

Depression hurts on so many levels. Lack of sleep or too much sleep. Sometimes I cannot get out of bed for the entire day and just want to remain in a dormant state and not wake up until the world will be a happy place for me. Loss of concentration and focus, procrastination due to lack of motivation, scatterbrained thoughts yet over analytical about the smallest of errors, aching bones, hair loss (even my eyelashes fall out), acne, nausea, low self esteem, overeating, constantly finding things you despise about your physical appearance, migraines, and emotions that change with a snap of the fingers. One minute you are laughing and the next you have to excuse yourself quickly because a bout of tears is threatening to erupt. People will think you are crazy.

The smallest of things irritate you. Even when you have a valid reason to be upset, you question your own justification. Am I being too sensitive? Or am I not caring enough? Did I overreact? Did I act accordingly, as a normal person would have? Furthermore, what defines normal? You become incapable of feeling joy for the simplest things you once took pleasure in. Casual friendships fade to black, you worry about everything, yet at the same time don’t care about anything, and then feel guilty for not caring. The vicious cycle continues infinitely.

When the mental skies become exceedingly gray, one becomes withdrawn. Guilt seeps through every pore. You deem yourself contemptible, worthless, undeserving, even pathetic, and feel guilty for bringing your dark forecast on the people surrounding you, so you withdraw. From life. Friends. Work. Loved ones. Even your own children. You convince yourself these people would be better off without you. Suicide? No, this is not an option for me. But perhaps if I moved far away to lands unknown and lived a life of self induced solitary confinement I would be doing the world a favor. I would not be bringing down those people around me who love and care about me.

More guilt. Why do I not appreciate all the love around me? All the things God has blessed me with? I have a loving family, a handful of friends who would do anything for me and vice-versa. My children are extremely intelligent, well rounded, polite, attractive, healthy, capable of emotion and show this by their genuine love for me. I have a home, a vehicle, food in the cupboards, cloths on my back, and even a canine companion who is my shadow. How would all these people be affected if I were to leave without word? I know I would never do this, but the evil thoughts still haunt my psyche.

Refuge? What is that? Where is that? How do I allow myself to decline to such a low level of significance? How is it that while I know I am loved and deserve to be loved and give love in return, yet I still feel empty? It resembles the sea-saw on a children’s playground. Up and down, back and forth. One minute I am on top and see things with such joy in my heart, the next I have my feet on the sand and see the world looking down at me with disgust. I stay on the ride because I know once again will be up high if I can just survive the lowness for a brief moment. I wish I knew why God put me on this sea-saw of life, why he didn’t simply allow me to be one of those happy-go-lucky kids who are happy pumping their legs on the swing, seemingly always aiming to higher.

Free Club Tips for the Socially Handicapped

Women:
It's Friday, you have freshly dyed your roots (yet your eyebrows are still black as coal.) You have put on a pair of jeans that define your assets perfectly. You have slipped on the glitter lips stick that looks like you gave a blow job to a Leprechaun and the mani-pedi is somewhat fresh, even if you did cheat and only repainted the big toe (after all it is the only one that shows, right?). You are ready for a night out of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of fun.

Men:
It’s Friday and you have donned your favorite (and only) leisure suit, splashed on your high- karate cologne (or some knock off) and plucked that one annoying nose hair out your nostril. Other than that, you are already perfect, right? (NOT! Please be on a friendly basis with your deodorant and toothpaste). You are ready for a night of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of getting laid.

Here’s some simple tips:

1. If you look and act like you are desperate you will probably be treated like crapola. We all know there is at least one guy who will try to grab every girl that walks by and one chic who is looking for a naive guy to use for drinks. If you look desperate, you will no doubt be the one grabbed after he has has no luck pawing at every girl in the club, or the one alone when the lights come on. If you truly are desperate, keep that information confidential. You might look like Princess Fiona or Shrek but there is someone for everyone. So make them earn your respect. This will make them respect you more.

2. Only the stupid will enter the wall (The ubber Cockblockers/Wannabe Pimps). If you bring a bunch of friends with you to the club, and we all do, only the bravest of the brave or the dumbest of the dumb will attempt to enter through your friends to talk to you. Why? Because no one, male or female, wants to get shot down in stereo. He or she approaches with confidence and leaves with a laugh track echoing behind them. Their ego is crushed forever and soon they will become bitter with the opposite sex, referring them as bitches or assholes. So if you see hottie and the eye contact is made, reposition yourself to be on the end of your friend group so he or she can approach, you don’t have to be easy, just accessible. Don’t make them have to run the gauntlet from hell.

3. If you are only there to dance, then dance! If you are there to get your groove on, stop being so damned persnickety about the people you dance with. I don’t care what they look like (within reason, of course) or how old they are (again, within reason.) As long as they don’t have a heart attack on the dance floor, you are generally good to go. If they can bounce to the beat then you have found a dance partner. For a song or two anyway. This does not require a credit check, wallet inspection, or physical exam. Nor will it end with a marriage proposal so relax, enjoy the beat and move on with your night. It’s only a dance and it’s really not that serious so ease up!

Special Message to the Men:
Obey all traffic laws. “Stop” means get your grubby hands of me. No means no (until told otherwise). No one needs to be so cogent at a club. If you are this forceful now in public, what will you be like when you are in the privacy of your own home? Sometimes it is nice for a guy to know how to take charge, but not at a club, and most definitely not on the initial meet and greet. So ease up. Take your time. If we are into you, our attention will stay with you. If we aren’t, wouldn’t you rather find out from Jump Street and cut your losses?


Special messages to the ladies: (more tips here due to me being the consummate lady)
Too drunk is not attractive. Slurring words or causing a scene like a ghetto version of the Young and the Restless is not something a guy wants to remember you by. Drinking is fine. Drunk to near death is not cute or endearing. I personally don’t want to clean out my car from my girlfriend throwing up, nor will a guy. Your mind should be focused on the moment, NOT on how much longer they are offering a 2-for-1 special on shots of Pink Panties or how long you have until last call. You can go anywhere to get sloshed (preferably at home where you can throw up on yourself) but get drunk with the wrong people or wrong venue and you'll wake up in Mexican hotel room with a vacancy sign on your arse and no cab fare. And that would be getting off lucky. A special P.S. to this: keep your eyes on your drink. NEVER leave it unattended.

Hooker is as hooker looks. If you look like a hooker, don’t get upset if you get treated like one, there are plenty of ways to look sexy and classy at the same time. Try revealing your best feature, not ALL your features. Advertising is one thing but having a tattoo with an arrow down your back pointing at your ass will have guys staring AT YOUR ASS!! Guys are visual so if you think you are showing off to much of your body, don’t worry the wrong guy will definitely come up to you and make sure your thoughts are confirmed. Don't assume the Tinkerbell purse you carried in will have men believing you are innocent.

The Revenge of the floosie. If you go to the club to looking for a guy, don’t get snarky if the “wrong” guy is looking at you. I too frequently see men being the victim of that “what are you looking at" stare from females (who usually are not nearly as cute as they think) and then 20 minutes later she is giving mouth to mouth to the new guy she just met. Guess what!! Guy number one was looking at the same thing guy number two was looking at. You can’t make the wrong guys not look at you and the right guys look. Doesn’t work that way. You deal with the good and the bad. Be polite in declining the attention, this very well may be the same guy who offers to change your flat tire when the "right guy" has left you without assuring your safety. If you intentionally walked in carrying yourself like a piece of meat in this proverbial meat market, stop acting annoyed when you are ultimately tenderized. People do judge you by your actions. Sidebar: men gossip just as much as females, so Lord help you if they remember that you had the same M.O. the week before.

In closing: Everyone is different in their own particular way. We don’t like the same type of people, the same type of drink, the same type of music or the same type of approach. If you don’t “get lucky” at the club it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, it is likely that someone there found you attractive. He or she just has a different way of doing things and unfortunately their way of doing thing may require you to make the first move (both for men and women). So if you see someone staring at you, and all your special secret eye tricks don’t work, walk up and introduce yourself, or you may walkout by yourself.

BONUS TIP FOR WOMEN: Never pass up an opportunity to piss. Even if the line is long. You may find yourself crouching behind a tree or dumpster raining urine on your new ‘Choo’s. ‘Nuff said on that one.

BONUS TIP FOR MEN: We don't think you look cool in sunglasses in a nightclub, we actually think you look pretty stupid or are attempting to conceal a bad case of pink eye. You are not a superstar and there is no paparazzi to avoid. Rest easy.

Easter's blessings

Don't worry young soul. Be secure. Stop stressing.
Give your burdens to God and he'll turn them into blessings.
His timing is perfect. His love holds our hand.
And when we want to fall victim He'll help us withstand.
We have mightiness instilled within.
Our DNA is immaculate. Our father is Him.

Any sickness, any weakness, any ailment, any pain.
He will wash from our bodies with a healing rain.
There is no illness he can't cure. Not a disease He can't release.
So believe it can be done. And soak in this peace.
Our bloodline is His heartbeat. Our faith is His essence.
He fills our hearts with questions. And answers with His presence.

From out of a dream, a vision in the clouds.
From somewhere unseen, a message so loud.
"KEEP THE MOMENTUM FLOWING, KEEP MY KINGDOM GROWING".
So we draw closer to you, in case the ending is closer than you.
This is your doing, there's no mistaking it's you.
So if you want to live on again.
Hearing intent.
Listen closely my friend.

He'll never ask you to break, but he'll need for you to bend.
Beliefs taut like a tight rope, give up on hatred, accept a new hope.
Hope for a love. Of all people and things.
He left this world. And now peace He brings.
The deaf he gave sound. The blind he gave sight.
Our wrongdoings were reversed and ALL was made right.
The day He surrendered, we won the fight.
He called the darkness day and turned blackness to white.

Not a decision was in vain. By death He gave LIFE.
The end he made begin with forgiveness for our sin.
He made the waters recede, transformed mountains to seas.
Cast fish in the waters. Set birds on the trees.
Put stories in our hearts so one day they will read.

All to prove his abilities and cause us to believe.
We doubted. We debated. We lied. We hated.
And never once did He turn on us. His love never faded.
Join hearts now, too long we've been separated.
When we cherish one another His life is celebrated.
-Stella Ortiz.

Random thought for the day

If you tip your waitress, waiter, bartender or taxi driver more per week than you donate to your Church, Synagogue are Mosque then THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! There is no excuse... Not a member; Don't go often - Then find one; Ride by and feel the Spirit, then that's the one; write down the address and give... They need your help now more than ever before !

Random thoughts on life...

Life is funny, ironic, cosmic, unexpected yet predictable….. crazy. It is sadly true that people really don’t change much, even after many years, decades or stages in life when maturity is supposed to take pace. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Personally I have seen myself morph from a rebellious teenager to a naive young girl, to a mature, older wiser 30-something year old woman. Perhaps in another 20 years I will read this and appreciate the lessons learned even later during the mid-life experience.

Of course, in this writing I am referring to the manifestation of love, emotion, inner wisdom, knowledge of self. 20 years ago I was 18 years old, graduating from high school and had my whole life figured out. I knew everything there was to know and no one could tell me otherwise without me rolling the eyes and dismissing their words with a casual wave of the hand. I could not have been more ill informed. The years rolled by like the seemingly infinite green pastures of a Texas highway.

Through experiences, loves lost and found, higher education and exposure to street acumen, a new perspective on life is developed. If one does not learn to have faith, courage and wisdom all the while, they may well find their self at 38 years old getting a reality check like no other. The beauty is, these three things are innately inside, they just have not been tapped into. Humility, pride, intelligence, courage, forgiveness, patience, and the sacred art of choosing your battles are all things that are often taken for granted.

I recently reconnected with someone through the miracles of the internet. This was once someone who I loved with every fiber of my being. I did things for this man that were so above and beyond what any self respecting female should do, especially for a man who is otherwise attached. Someone wise told me “never make someone a priority when they only consider you an option” and I so wished I had heard these words years earlier in life. They have stuck to my heart since day one, yet, I seem to have had a temporary backslide into the abyss of what “could be.“ Heartbroken again? No. Disillusioned? Maybe. The thrill of meeting someone new is definitely the only good thing that came out of this Texas rendezvous. A true southern gentleman who managed to salvage an otherwise wasteful excursion.

There seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life…. Men who tell me I was the best thing they ever had, the one that got away, the one they “should have married”, the one who never gave them drama or pretended to be someone I was not. Yet, somehow each and every one of these men are now either attached to someone else and still trying to keep me on the side or have not outgrown the old “sewing wild oats” stage of life. No amount of “I’m sorry” takes away the stab in the heart that comes every time. Yet I still open myself up with the faith that maybe, just maybe, this might be the one exception to the rule. This might be the one who knows how to appreciate me for who I am, accept me for who I am not, and love me as I deserve.

I used to hate it when people would say that “People never change” because I wanted to hold on to my faith that people are able to and DO change for the better. I know it is possible because I have done this. I have matured and grown with each flip of a calendar page and hoped others had as well. But the bottom line, no matter how many times I continuously give someone the benefit of the doubt, those leopard spots reappear and I see the individual is the same old, tired, lying, cheating, immature, addicted, sorry excuse for a human being that they always were. The only change was that they had become better at covering their proverbial spots. Yet in still I hold this silent little prayers and a tiny corner of my heart in case that one person will come along and prove to me that my faith was not for nothing. Miss Alicia Keys says in her song “Although I was burned… I call it a lesson learned” and this is me, in a nutshell.

So as I sit here in this airport terminal, 3 hours early for a flight because I simply couldn’t wait to get away from yet another disappointment, I am with a heavy heart that yet another person has taken a notch out of my soul. Did I expect him to fall lovingly into my arms and pledge an eternal vow of love, no, but perhaps at least following through with simple promise of a memorable experience in a new city would have been most appreciated. That being said, I do not regret coming here. I saw some things I had never seen and done some things I never thought I would get a chance to. Met some very nice people, had a few laughs and heard some good Texas music. Although the photographs document bittersweet memories , I have them and will tuck them away for a time when the sting in my heart is not so sharp.

As I sit here writing this, my phone rings and the sweet voice of my daughter comes through. She misses me, loves me and tells me a few anecdotes of the dog’s latest antics and of what she has been up to while I was away. Suddenly I have a whole new appreciation for the blessings in my life and am ready to go home to said blessings. Give my two kids a big bear hug, my dog a belly rub till he gives me that famous foot kick of his, and embrace all I have. Perhaps I have just located that proverbial silver lining.

Playing catch up...

Well it has been several weeks since I have had time to breathe, let alone update here. Suffice it to say, things are maintaining about at sea level. No update on the job front, but a few things on the horizon that offer a glimmer of hope, so I keep fingers and crossed and head held high. I have a birthday coming up in a few days, so to celebrate my best friend, and 2 other very good friends threw our bags in the trunk and headed to Sin City for a few days. Well, never has the phrase "what happens in Vegas-stays in Vegas" been so true. hmmm... 'nuff said.

The unfortunate event was getting a CURSE the hour of my return home. All's well that end's well. It was a fabulous excuse to stay in bed the entire day sipping hot chammo tea and catching up on correspondence, reading and getting myself organized for the last week of this course in school. Next Tuesday will start another course and another world of information brought into my meager mind. In the meantime.... a few shouts out to my partners in crime:

STEPFORD WIVES SHIT
A BEAR CHASING YOU THROUGH THE WOODS
FLACID SUNS
PIZZA MAKES BAD TOILET PAPER
ETHIOPIANS AND FREE PIZZA... I THINK??
ASS JUICE
SEXY RICK
YA'LL ARE TRIPPIN-SHE HAS A KEY
TICKLING CAUSES CACKLING
TOO CLOSURE!!! NEW BEGINNINGS!!!
HAIR OF THE DOG
DOUBLE FISTIN

R.I.P. Chelsea King

Today was an extremely sad day in San Diego. Last week a young lady, a high school senior was running in a community park area after school and was abducted and declared missing. This was almost a year to the day marking the anniversary of another missing teen in the same area, Amber Duboi, who was never found. Although I do not begrudge ANY family from media attention when they are missing a child, I find it utterly repulsive that children of minority background do not receive nearly as much coverage.

Yesterday some of Chelsea's clothing was found and the search continued. San Diego's CSI team ran DNA tests and found semen, which was compared to a known sex offender's list and a match was found. I would not fathom giving this sick bastard's name any further media time, so he shall heretofore remain known as the bastard.

It deeply sickens me, as a human being and more importantly, a parent, that someone with a record such as his would be convicted of child molestation and released within five short years. His first victim, which I highly suspect to be the first victim he was caught molesting and NOT his only prior victim, was 13 years at the time and now is 18, close to the same age as Chelsea. Imagine what she must be thinking right now. I pray that this time he will be rightfully imprisoned for the rest of his natural life, or better yet, put to death. (Updates to follow as his case proceeds.)

As most of you know from previous posts, I am the mother of two children, the youngest being a 13 year old daughter. I also live directly next door to a convicted sex offender and I am not afraid to say, if he ever laid a hand on her, he would not have to worry about the police because he would never make it that far. He'd be dead and I would probably be in jail for murder.

In closing, I send my heartfelt prayers out to The King Family, friends and classmates of Chelsea, including my niece, who was the best friend of Miss King. I can empathize with you and pray that you are able to find peace in your heart and home. God Bless.

Sanctuary Sunday

Pretty good last few days. Lots of quality time with family and friends. Quite a bit of imbibing this weekend celebrating birthdays, the completion of another class under my belt, reuniting with old friends and just being happy with life in general. Of course things can always be better… a job with a paycheck would be most appreciated. In the meantime, I am healthy, happy, loved, and blessed. Friday was spent building a 5’X5’ shoe rack… yes, I *heart* my shoe fetish enough to actually erect a home for my zappatos. I must give proper gratitude to my buddy LB for the assistance, laughs and her attempt at explaining the plethora of extra screws, pegs and metal scraps.

Once this was completed we decided our due diligence should be decorously rewarded. Our party of two turned into three upon pick up of our third fellow miscreant JB and we headed to Ocean Beach. After quaffing some adult beverages we headed to the usual last stop, the oh-so-delicious-Roberto’s. To top this off, I found some extra sweet revenge by telling the old company what I really think of them. (insert very minor illegal act here… heavy emphasis on MINOR). Saturday brought bedroom cleaning and even more imbibing for MB’s birthday. Billiards, red bull/Mandarin ‘Goose and shenanigans. Just one question… how come the two most attractive men in the whole saloon were on the down low? Push forward to today, which dawned with beautiful rain and coffee with my oldest friend JL of 19 years. This was only topped off by consignment hunting, used book store and Souplantation with my daughter.

As my evening comes to a close I am enjoying a bowl of popcorn, the Kardashian's and the sound of even more rainfall. Good night all!

Define Irony...

Today was a spontaneous day at the very least. Started with the plan of homework, relaxing and perhaps taking the doggie for a walk. After about an hour, class was cast aside like a sailor's common sense on a weekend liberty pass. Laptop was hastily closed, hair thrown into a pony and flip flop sandals donned my feet. The chariot stopped at the local teen hangout... the mall. It was filled with the proverbial pimple faced teenager enjoying a holiday from school. I would bet my bottom dollar not a single one knew what president was being remembered. I digress...

10 minutes later I was seated in a darkened theater, nachos on lap, Starbucks in the cup holder and cell phone on vibrate. (too bad not everyone got the memo on theater etiquette). Two hours later the curtain rolled back down and mini-me and I did a little clearance rack treasure hunt and spontaneously decided to make a run for the border in search of a much sought-after pair of gray Chuck Taylor's she has been jonesin' for. A quick stop at the domicile to pick of the other mini-me (not so "mini" and really not so "me") we were headed the 20 miles south to the San Ysidro Outlet Mall. We were victorious in our search and headed home not only with the prized Chuck's, but a few Hurley shirts for the boy. Amazing how 30 yards beyond the parking lot we could clearly see the border fence and Tijuana cowboys pondering what section of the fence would be easiest to get them access to the US ponderosa. And here comes the aforementioned irony....

Upon arrival home, my son realizes the Hurley shirt, which has "San Diego" printed on it has the well-known (to locals, anyway) image on the back of a Dad-Mom-Kid trio running across the freeway. This is the exact sign warning drivers on I-5 to be cautious of pedestrians crossing the freeway. Racist much? Here is the kick in the ass I found mind blowing.... the shirt has a tag on the inside... "Hecho In Mexico". (Made in Mexico)

Mental Vacancy

Today dawned with an attack of the mind as I had never experienced before. I have heard on numerous occasions the topic of panic attacks and never quite understood what they were… until today’s crepuscular when I was rudely awakened by my own said attack of the psyche. An indescribable nightmare sandbagged my sleep, leaving my mental density numb and about as clear as the Tijuana River Valley after a torrential monsoon. My hands shook, forehead was clammy and stomach was in knots. My heart raced and literally felt as though it was jumping out of my chest. I could barely breathe. The sliding door was thrown open in attempt to get air where I stumbled on to the balcony and promptly tossed my cookies.

A long hot shower ensued, followed by a steaming cup of cammie tea and a random classic black and white filmed in 1942. Although my mind set slowly returned to normal, the feeling of sharks in my bathtub remained. Around 7 I finally dozed off on the sofa. The rest of the day proved to be a challenge in the mind over matter category. I am happy to relay that mind won the battle and I feel pretty normal again after an afternoon tea party complete with cucumber sandwiches.

This highly undesired event had the proverbial silver lining. I was reminded how I am surrounded by love and support. Those who have endured this malarkey offered sound advice and extended offers of a phone call regardless of the hour the clocked ticked. This was not lip service either my friends, rather a heartfelt concern for my emotional well being. Love surrounds me like a hand in glove and despite the troubling twilight I continue to pray for strength in mind, body and spirit.

The Last of a Dying Breed... Renaissance Man

Every so often I am privileged to spend quality time with an incredible individual who is a man of ineffable proportions. His aura continually radiates positivity and seems to be contagious to yours truly. He has a fabulous sense of humor. Is diverse. Considerate. Handsome. Traveled. An innate gentleman. Worldly. Intuitive. Sexy. Honest. Beautifully schematized and internally tidy. Classy. Flirtatious. Polite. Romantic. Affectionate. A sensual lover. Ambitious. Educated. Adventurous and a bit of a daredevil. Balanced. Artistic.

His royalty is open in heart and mind. Talented. Playful. Charming. Faithful. Conscientious. Unobtrusive. No baggage, no drama, no hang-ups. Wise. A man of honor and a man of his word. Confident, yet humble. Compassionate. Tender. Forgiving. Secure with himself. Nonjudgmental. Courteous. Appreciative. Morally and ethically sound. Personable. Family oriented. A bit mischievous. Those who are not envious of his demeanor will try to emulate it. He is the paradox to typical etiquette (or lack thereof). He is all substance, sans the flash. All awe minus the shock. A true testament to a man raised well. In a city full of scum, free-loaders, players and all other undesired miscreants who treat women as fast food, he is a searing commodity. So I ask you, why he is still unattached?

The gravitational pull to him is amazing, almost frightening. Never would I intentionally be a bull in his china shop and there is an ominous inner voice warning me about showing to much affection for fear of pushing him away. I am happy to spend the quality time on occasion, the obligatory movie, coffee house or to simply stroll with abandon and appreciate nature. Somehow these simple things are so much more memorable when shared with a man of his caliber.

In a life of singlism he is genuinely the one person I feel in my soul to be worthy of my infinite affection. I have written many prose regarding relationships with equity and should a coupling ever be reborn and GPS’d back on the road map of my life, there is no doubt he is equitable. He is the sole person who has no hidden agenda and accepts me for who I am; flaws and all. At the same time, inspires me to better myself, to evolve into the epitome of a good woman, one not easily let go and never forgotten. I become reflective, mindful of self, almost pensive upon his departure. I select my words, actions and decisions with more consideration. I find myself unconscientiously smiling around him or even at the thought of his touch.

This chap ceaselessly leaves me anticipating our next meeting and has set free those hard-to-find mariposa in the bowels of my belly. I patiently await new experiences, new memories, and all the things to share in the future. Through this sunshine there is only one gray cloud… he is a bit intimidating. He is all things admired and sought for in a companion, yet somehow seemingly unattainable. In a world with the unwritten law of “if it seems too good to be true, it probably isn’t” I pray that this is the one exception. I trust the big guy upstairs has his listening ears on tonight.

Sound bites from a weekend in Las Vegas...

"Cruisin" (arm motion required)
Can you please buckle my heels?
This is my daughter
Exaaaaaaaactly!
Vegas Baby!
Take that you lousy pooper!
Like a hammer
Ghetto boombox
I only serve players
Rollin in the toaster
Water is for chumps
Panty Droppers
Liquid gold
Birdcages from a truck?
Enough alcohol will kill any allergy
Fe-Pussy spray... thanks Dan-the-man
Biker dudes are so hot, especially when you share an elevator
Melvin. Enough said
Thank you. NO, thank YOUUUU
Bitch. Enough said
So desperate to replenish you will drink out of a melted ice bucket
Salt lines on fries
Slot machines make great foot props
Random elevator trash... cup, crushed beer can and a single dirty black sock
Hot "Rich" bartenders
I soooo have to try on this pirate hat
Beans
I have to get a picture of that
Long Island Iced Tea's at 6 am
Holy swollen ankle
Canadians in room 1492
Tacos and pizza……yuuuum... but from the same greasy spoon?
Old cowboy with spurs at Circle K
Sushi eel rolls
Can I give you a massage?
Mardi Gras beads the size of volleyballs
$9.00 Cigarettes
Emotional outbursts enroute to the ice machine
Tall, dark and handsome with a deep voice
Random ahzners (IE soda spewing through the nose)
Old creepy man at the geisha bar
Dan-the-man knocking at the front door...the front door? Really?
"Let's go to Lee's..." what the heck is Lee's....a bar...a liquor store..??
Taco Bell Cashier drive thru "technician" calling customers honey
Longest known lines in the world for an ATM known to man
Random Russian dude wanting to jump LBizzle, had his own cables
"What you sippin on in that cup?"
Enduring the long journey to the hotel room in a maze of stairwells
Leaving your 3 foot long drink in a souvenir shop
Seriously contemplating purchasing a flag at the T.I. gift shop... ahem necklace
Fashion advice in the parking lot. Yea dude, you look fine for a club. But I still won't dance with you.
3-way spoonage
Card tricks (magic tricks)
Crabs in our balcony drinks
Tonight's gonna be a good good night (music from Carnival Court)
Suspicious stain
Umm I need a fridge in my room for my "insulin"
Best time ever at Victorville Jack-in-the-box.. Larry the crime donkey
Frantic suitcase packing; IE throwing in all your shit
The best job in town; cashier at 76 station AND mayor of whole town
Patty two kakes aka ptk
disclaimer: "CLEAN" bathrooms


BONUS: That's not classy, but abortions are

Mi Vida Loca

The last three days I have donned my thinking cap by 8 am and thrown myself into the abyss of “Successful Interviewing in Human Services” otherwise known as the class I am currently taking online. Although a demanding class, in two weeks I have had my eyes opened to so many new factors and elements involved with interviewing. I actually think a lot of these strategies will apply to interviewing for a better job, which is next on my agenda. The melee in the “corporate office” (I use this term extremely loosely) seems to never end. No one seems to know what the person next to them is doing and I don’t think I can take much more idiocy thrown into my daily agenda. Insert the coined phrase “The lunatics run the asylum” here.

Back to original thought… I have completed a weeks worth of assignments in 3 days so that I can thoroughly enjoy the first trip of 2010. In T minus two days I will manumit myself and throw the duffel bag back in the car, heading north on I-15. Next stop, Sin City! I shall leave my perennial choir girl robe in the closet (uuuh, do I really have these?) and pull out the mini skirt, boobage revealing blouse and obligatory stilettos. This being said, I made a New Years Resolution to dress more age appropriate, however, this IS Las Vegas, I will be AWAY from the impressionable offspring. Nothing short of the occasional rabid bridezilla or drunken clochard will bring down my high spirits. It also helps to have a fabulous co-pilot and partner in crime. I affectionately refer to her as my Lady Bug.

So, as I close the laptop, pack the suitcase and start preparations, wish me luck. Hopefully I will come home with more than the conciliatory digital photos and a wallet of nothing but regret.

10 DAYS AND COUNTING......

Listen to the Rhythm of the Falling Rain...

Wow, so 2010 has brought a very busy schedule to yours truly. Without prattling on forever about mundane things, suffice it to say, work has been busy, class has restarted and the offspring have been keeping my emotions all over the map. The son has been a burr under my saddle in particular. I wish he would realize that he does not have enough ass in his britches to carry on the way he does. I guess once a young man gets a feather in his cap from that special first love, he decides he is grown. I digress.... In other news, the daughter has discovered a newfound attraction for writing and has spun a few tales Hollywood would be proud of. Perhaps someday she will be an author. As for me, well, the only reading I have time for is textbooks, writing is found in the form of this blog and papers, and downtime has been spent with friends and family. And now.... back to the textbooks.... and listening to the torrential downpour outside my window.

I bid adiou to 2009

The sun has set on 2009 and in 30 days my life may be different. Maybe for the better, maybe not. I have to put my trust in God that He is leading me down the right path during my journey. Amazing how 24 hours can change ones general plan, priorities, opinion and prayers.

In this era of friends regarded as fast food, people who are insincere, selfish and feel entitled, I consider myself a blessed woman to have a handful of friends who are true, lifelong, proven relationships. These are people who love me, take me as I am flaws and all. People who do not judge, rather point out both positives AND negatives and allow me to make decisions without fear of recourse. These are people who not only protect me but also my children. God help the person trying to harm any of our group of offspring because there would be a mad mob of vigilantes seeking our own type of justice.

My other blessing is family. Without them I would have a much different history and a much tougher life. They have guided me with their wisdom and taught me positive morals in life. Honesty, respect, ethical work habits, pride and determination to name a few.

The two groups overlap in many ways, family relations are also friends and friends are considered family minus the DNA match. I love you all dearly and wish the new decade to be filled with good health, loving relationships, and uninteruped prosperity!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hello all, I wish you a fabulous 2010 and welcome you to a new decade. May it be filled with love, life, and laughter.