Too Much to Fathom

This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending time with one of my favorite peeps upon her arrival back into America’s finest city. After her long week of traveling work and mine of... well... general life chaos, a window seat at a local dive was most appreciated. This was also the only "straight" bar in an area predominantly homosexual. Our view was a busy intersection in a rather eclectic part of town where one is surrounded by ethic restaurants, dog walkers, and a wide variety of foot commuters. Seeing the openness of same-sex couples strolling holding hands, the feral hair and eclectic dress code, a smidgen of faith was restored. The world IS indeed becoming a more accepting place of diversity (which is rather ironic when considering our first interaction)

After a few cocktails the afternoon sun slowly faded into evening and we people watched from our posted up spot, being entertained by the most random conversations. The first walker by was a punk rocking resident of the streets, originally from Michigan, with barbiturate eyes. This guy really got on a rambling tangent about his personal belief in the lack of acceptance of unconventional lifestyles and the decline of society at large.

Despite this, my buddy and I were humorously stimulated by this encounter and got into a whole tête-à-tête about opening an entertaining bar, right down to concocting a signature drink, and how we could employ all of our friends in their particular area of expertise, thus contributing our part to the employment rate in a struggling California. (Funny how imagination works when one can think without limits of reality). While I would love to divulge the details, I will keep them under wraps on the off chance we are ever in the position to actually open this imbibing haven.

The second exchange had a much deeper effect on me, although truthfully, it was the following day while reflecting on the dialogue. A young man was passing the window with a hardbound book, circa 1939, we later found out. This caught our attention and was a grateful distraction from the crazed Michigan musician. This book started a conversation I will never forget because of its profound aftershock effect on me.

The strangers name was "Poodle" and he had the most beautiful bright blues eyes that sparkled when they caught the last of the sunlight and were clear of any sign of recent drug use. Despite their vividness, I saw a sadness lingering. We soon found out he was only 23 and had been diagnosed as HIV positive at age 18. He shared with us his goal to get off the streets and into a clean living home that specialized with assisting gay, lesbian and transgendered to maintain sobriety. He also told us that his ambition was to speak at local high schools about the importance of practicing safe sex.

I was so moved by young Poodle. He had a gentle and kind soul despite enduring street survival and having a life threatening disease. He had a positive outlook and ambition to do great things with his life and his community. I doubt he realized how our brief windowpane banter made me take a hard look at my own dilemmas. I have no way of reaching him or following up on his progression, but the determination in his voice will not soon be forgotten.

To most people he would appear to be another street person, someone insignificant, but to me, he was an inspiration and a reminder to me to judge less and have more compassion. If there were more people like Poodle in this world, it would be a much better place.

Mixxed Up

Some relationships seem like a good thing in the beginning but the longer you are in them, the more you realize this may not be the right path to follow. This includes friendships as well. The longer one stays in this relationship, the harder it is to leave because more memories are created, both good and bad. It is my belief that the more history you have with someone, the more comfortable you get. Once the split is finally over, and sometimes it takes a few attempts before it is truly done, time begins to heal those wounds. The sad memories fade and the good ones remain in your heart. Perhaps this is a higher power’s way of protecting us and allowing us to eventually move on. I have had both friendships and romantic relationships that have come to a close.

The last serious love liaison I was a part of was many years ago and we were a couple for three years, off and on. It seemed as though we would split up and after a week or two would miss each other so much, we would pledge to make mutual changes, put in enhanced efforts and make it work. It is so hurtful to loose someone you love, especially when that person is also your best friend. It took a state line to really make it a complete break up and although time passed, a love still remains in a corner of my heart. Perhaps it always will. But the love is different now. I look at the encounter as a learning experience. I have fond memories and hurtful ones; however, the amiable times far outweigh the gloomy.

You were there for me for comfort during family crisis, sharing coffee and the Sunday paper. My balcony may have been overlooking the dumpster but to me it was heaven. Walking our dogs together, sharing dreams and childhood nightmares, laughing at random things, inside jokes (“Gonna get dealt with”), fights over the dumbest things and then making passionate love for hours to reunite our souls . Creating new meal recipes and staying in on a Saturday night, weekends when I had to work and you brought me flowers (My boss called you Valley Center), volunteering to feed the elderly, spontaneous road trips (we only threw some pillows, blankets, and a "box" of vino in the backseat), destination, unknown. That was a pretty refreshing dip in the pool at that hotel we crashed. Sutter Home.

There were house parties during the holidays (When even the Christmas tree was broken in half!), impromptu gatherings, DJ jobs at various clubs and our little game pretending to not know one another (then flirting madly as though it was going to be a one night stand) even that wedding we videotaped together (I distinctly remember fixing the cake with flowers picked outside the venue because that was all I could MacGyver up at the last minute). I laughed when you chased your dog all through Lemon Grove in your boxers when she got out of the yard, making the family video montage for my father together. You always were very creative and talented. Many alcohol filled nights shooting pool and passing out in the car (curb, garage, or parking lot).

Our very first date was feeding the squirrels at the lake and going back to your cottage. I vividly remember being fearful it would end there but grateful that it didn’t. Despite the times of insecurity, distance, yelling and tears, I treasure our time with one another. We have both moved on but my heart knows we will always have poquito amore’ for each other.

Uno

Browsing a fashion rag today I was delightfully suprised at the lovely and enticing scent of this Dolce & Gabbana Eu De Toilet. Although I have been known to own a pricey bottle or two of smell good, it is a rare occasion that I am tempted to dole out large sums of hard earned money on such a frivolous luxury. This distinctive fragrance promted me to think of my own set of "The One"... perhaps someday I will own this little ditty, in the meantime, these are some of my "one's."

The One...

brilliant idea
great decision that changes one's life
hurtful regret
night stand that turned into a relationship
person you can trust, unconditionally
chug of morning coffee
childhood memory
unforgettable vacation
individual who always makes you laugh and smile
inspirational film
sad memory that still hurts after many years
favorite ice cream flavor
mind blowing physical romp
sleepless night
story that challenges one to better themselves
missed opportunity which turns into a blessing in disguise
person who restores your faith in humanity
trustworthy confidante
who always makes you feel loved
who got away

Coast to Coast

I read a friend of mine's blog this morning that put a smile on my face and gave me a giggle. Keeping in the spirit of his words, I created a version of my own....

Fred's version:

SOUTH CAROLINA BABY!
Where the tea is sweet and accents are sweeter, summer starts in April, front porches are wide and words are long, macaroni & cheese is a vegetable, pecan pie is a breakfast food, y'all is a proper pronoun, chicken is fried, biscuits come with gravy, everyone is darling, sweetie, honey, or baby and someone is always getting their heart blessed!!...

My version:
Southern California Baby!

Where the cocktails are served at 11am without judgment, summer is 10 out of 12 months, the sun retreats over the gorgeous Pacific, even strangers offer a friendly hello, sushi and tacos are considered dietary staples, beaches are designated strictly for dogs swimming, natives know that Hollywood is really not glamorous, when it rains 1/8 of an inch people forget how to drive and it is the top story on the evening news, casual Friday is five days a week, one can drive from the beach to the mountains and through the desert and still be home in time for supper, suburbanites are addicted to yoga, Starbucks, and the nail salon, teenagers blast Wiz Khalifa on their car stereos, and at any given time you are less than 20 minutes away from a casino.

Party Girl Hiatus

There are some days when a girl has no motivation further than donning her most comfy cotton lounging cloths (I call them my Nana jammas), a Pebbles Flinstone ponytail, and schlumping about, frittering way an entire day. Some such occasions have been known to stretch a weekend. It is quite empowering to surgically remove all sources of social media from one's hip every now and again. Turning off the cell phone, closing the laptop and retreating to your own little world can do wonders to a person's psyche.


So clear that looming agenda and stock your pantry with plenty of provisions. Bring out the nail polish, facial treatments, sewing projects and fashion magazines and hunker down. Get those toes pretty in pink, your skin glowing, your wardrobe inspired and those loose buttons secured. It's time to decompress, swim in that martini, and embrace being a girl.

Love Thyself

When catching of up on one of my way-too-time-consuming-addictions (otherwise known as Facebook) a friend of mine had a status today that really hit home for me. I have been feeling melancholy as of late and her words seemed to find me on the most opportune morning. Although I realize she was referring to romantic relationships, I found it interesting how it also could crossover into platonic friendships, as well.

My friends seem to be moving away at a race horse's pace, and a few other otiose friendships have run their course, not to mention the lack of credibly proven quality men left in my city, all three leaving a huge empty hole in my heart. Despite this, I still feel blessed to keep the most sincere, devoted, enduring-all-things friends close to my heart, no matter how far apart. I also must hold faith that the right gentleman will come along at the right time, as God see's fit. On that note, the following are the words that put a smile on my otherwise sad face this morning:

You do not have to be perfect to allow someone to love you the way you want to be loved; simply being yourself is the most perfect way for someone to love you. If a person cannot accept you and your imperfections, they certainly do not deserve to reap the benefits of all your best qualities.

Feeling Lost

This life can make me so confused but it's alright
Living day by day I feel so used, that ain't right
I just wanna run and hide
I don't have the time to cry it's alright

Many thoughts are running through my head, it's alright
Wishing to be somewhere else but here, it's alright
I can't wait to see a friendly face
I need a smile and warm embrace, then I'll be alright

Life can bring us through many changes
Just don't give up, It's gonna be alright
People come and they go, It's just the way that it goes
Everything is everything... alright

Sometime the rain it makes me sad and it's alright
Some things in the world make me mad and it's alright
In the morning when I see the sun
I know I'm not the only one, Its alright

Wish I had some money to pay my bills
I can't even buy that dress on sale but it's alright
Having money don't mean a thing
Loving myself is everything, and I'm alright

Circus Act

Round and 'round on this empty carousel
Moving so fast but going nowhere

Up and down on this ferris wheel
Surreal to be so high yet feeling so low

Clowns no longer make me smile
And I can't remember the last time I did not wear a frown

Life is lonely even in the big top full of people
People I once trusted have now become the source of my most hurtful days

My self confidence melts away
Faster than cotton candy

My heart bleeds and I feel trapped within my own walls
The darkness consumes me but I stroll the fairgrounds
Praying to find my way out