I'm the Type of Girl Who...

Will help an elderly person across the street
Loves to see fathers holding their babies
Considers my closest friends my family
Will go the the movies alone Lets my dog sleep on my bed
Keeps snacks in my glove compartment for homeless people
Appreciates a door being opened for me
Will pick up a friend at 3am no questions asked
Keeps it real.. would tell the ugly truth before a pretty lie
Loves pink
Procrastinates
Watches guilty pleasures on TV
Gets teary seeing elderly couples holding hands
Am self-proclaimed fashion police
Would take away my friends' pain if I could
Tends to get tipsy when I have a good time with friends
Gives the benefit of the doubt but not instant trust, that must be earned
Admires the work, both on screen and off screen of Audrey Hepburn
Loves watching the rain
Can get in the car and take a spontaneous road trip without a destination
Will buy extra food for someone asking for money outside a fast food joint
Loves live music regardless of genre
Can attend class at midnight when I can't otherwise sleep
Can snuggle with a friend without feeling weird
Is saddened by reliance on electronic communication
Is still intimidated by my father at almost 40 years old
Keeps an open mind
Jumps in the waves full throttle
Will share my blanket
Sometimes wants to strangle my kids but would always kill for them
Falls asleep to the TV because I hate feeling alone
Appreciates nature
Listens to song lyrics
Buries my nose in the tummy of a baby and inhales their soft scent
Is addicted to forensic shows
Puts a frozen strawberry in my wine
Watches the sunset and appreciates the spirituality it
Feels lonely in crowds

Dark Forecast

Allow me to shed some light on Clinical Major Depression. No, it does not simply mean someone feels down or has a case of the blues. It is a life-altering condition that is one of the most misunderstood, dismissible diseases...

Gray skies are smiling at me. Seemingly mocking my emotions and goading me to continue feeling deflated. Like an airless balloon and no ability to rise above the nonsense and hurdles in life. I have no interest in anything and find it increasingly difficult to function at sea level just to get through the daily routine. Constant sadness, chronic fits of tears. You begin to cry yet have no idea what made you cry, which causes you to cry more.

Sleep denies me tonight. I toss and turn with terrible thoughts running amok in my head. Dark estimations of self worth I wish on no one, not even my arch nemesis, if I had one. But wait… I do have one. It is my own self. How ironic is that? When people say we are our own worst enemy they hit the depression nail on the head. Most people on the roster of disconsolates know what needs to be done to shake the blues, yet somehow, find it nearly impossible to take the steps. There is no drive to augment our emotional state because we feel hopeless and as though we deserve to stay miserable.

Depression hurts on so many levels. Lack of sleep or too much sleep. Sometimes I cannot get out of bed for the entire day and just want to remain in a dormant state and not wake up until the world will be a happy place for me. Loss of concentration and focus, procrastination due to lack of motivation, scatterbrained thoughts yet over analytical about the smallest of errors, aching bones, hair loss (even my eyelashes fall out), acne, nausea, low self esteem, overeating, constantly finding things you despise about your physical appearance, migraines, and emotions that change with a snap of the fingers. One minute you are laughing and the next you have to excuse yourself quickly because a bout of tears is threatening to erupt. People will think you are crazy.

The smallest of things irritate you. Even when you have a valid reason to be upset, you question your own justification. Am I being too sensitive? Or am I not caring enough? Did I overreact? Did I act accordingly, as a normal person would have? Furthermore, what defines normal? You become incapable of feeling joy for the simplest things you once took pleasure in. Casual friendships fade to black, you worry about everything, yet at the same time don’t care about anything, and then feel guilty for not caring. The vicious cycle continues infinitely.

When the mental skies become exceedingly gray, one becomes withdrawn. Guilt seeps through every pore. You deem yourself contemptible, worthless, undeserving, even pathetic, and feel guilty for bringing your dark forecast on the people surrounding you, so you withdraw. From life. Friends. Work. Loved ones. Even your own children. You convince yourself these people would be better off without you. Suicide? No, this is not an option for me. But perhaps if I moved far away to lands unknown and lived a life of self induced solitary confinement I would be doing the world a favor. I would not be bringing down those people around me who love and care about me.

More guilt. Why do I not appreciate all the love around me? All the things God has blessed me with? I have a loving family, a handful of friends who would do anything for me and vice-versa. My children are extremely intelligent, well rounded, polite, attractive, healthy, capable of emotion and show this by their genuine love for me. I have a home, a vehicle, food in the cupboards, cloths on my back, and even a canine companion who is my shadow. How would all these people be affected if I were to leave without word? I know I would never do this, but the evil thoughts still haunt my psyche.

Refuge? What is that? Where is that? How do I allow myself to decline to such a low level of significance? How is it that while I know I am loved and deserve to be loved and give love in return, yet I still feel empty? It resembles the sea-saw on a children’s playground. Up and down, back and forth. One minute I am on top and see things with such joy in my heart, the next I have my feet on the sand and see the world looking down at me with disgust. I stay on the ride because I know once again will be up high if I can just survive the lowness for a brief moment. I wish I knew why God put me on this sea-saw of life, why he didn’t simply allow me to be one of those happy-go-lucky kids who are happy pumping their legs on the swing, seemingly always aiming to higher.

Free Club Tips for the Socially Handicapped

Women:
It's Friday, you have freshly dyed your roots (yet your eyebrows are still black as coal.) You have put on a pair of jeans that define your assets perfectly. You have slipped on the glitter lips stick that looks like you gave a blow job to a Leprechaun and the mani-pedi is somewhat fresh, even if you did cheat and only repainted the big toe (after all it is the only one that shows, right?). You are ready for a night out of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of fun.

Men:
It’s Friday and you have donned your favorite (and only) leisure suit, splashed on your high- karate cologne (or some knock off) and plucked that one annoying nose hair out your nostril. Other than that, you are already perfect, right? (NOT! Please be on a friendly basis with your deodorant and toothpaste). You are ready for a night of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of getting laid.

Here’s some simple tips:

1. If you look and act like you are desperate you will probably be treated like crapola. We all know there is at least one guy who will try to grab every girl that walks by and one chic who is looking for a naive guy to use for drinks. If you look desperate, you will no doubt be the one grabbed after he has has no luck pawing at every girl in the club, or the one alone when the lights come on. If you truly are desperate, keep that information confidential. You might look like Princess Fiona or Shrek but there is someone for everyone. So make them earn your respect. This will make them respect you more.

2. Only the stupid will enter the wall (The ubber Cockblockers/Wannabe Pimps). If you bring a bunch of friends with you to the club, and we all do, only the bravest of the brave or the dumbest of the dumb will attempt to enter through your friends to talk to you. Why? Because no one, male or female, wants to get shot down in stereo. He or she approaches with confidence and leaves with a laugh track echoing behind them. Their ego is crushed forever and soon they will become bitter with the opposite sex, referring them as bitches or assholes. So if you see hottie and the eye contact is made, reposition yourself to be on the end of your friend group so he or she can approach, you don’t have to be easy, just accessible. Don’t make them have to run the gauntlet from hell.

3. If you are only there to dance, then dance! If you are there to get your groove on, stop being so damned persnickety about the people you dance with. I don’t care what they look like (within reason, of course) or how old they are (again, within reason.) As long as they don’t have a heart attack on the dance floor, you are generally good to go. If they can bounce to the beat then you have found a dance partner. For a song or two anyway. This does not require a credit check, wallet inspection, or physical exam. Nor will it end with a marriage proposal so relax, enjoy the beat and move on with your night. It’s only a dance and it’s really not that serious so ease up!

Special Message to the Men:
Obey all traffic laws. “Stop” means get your grubby hands of me. No means no (until told otherwise). No one needs to be so cogent at a club. If you are this forceful now in public, what will you be like when you are in the privacy of your own home? Sometimes it is nice for a guy to know how to take charge, but not at a club, and most definitely not on the initial meet and greet. So ease up. Take your time. If we are into you, our attention will stay with you. If we aren’t, wouldn’t you rather find out from Jump Street and cut your losses?


Special messages to the ladies: (more tips here due to me being the consummate lady)
Too drunk is not attractive. Slurring words or causing a scene like a ghetto version of the Young and the Restless is not something a guy wants to remember you by. Drinking is fine. Drunk to near death is not cute or endearing. I personally don’t want to clean out my car from my girlfriend throwing up, nor will a guy. Your mind should be focused on the moment, NOT on how much longer they are offering a 2-for-1 special on shots of Pink Panties or how long you have until last call. You can go anywhere to get sloshed (preferably at home where you can throw up on yourself) but get drunk with the wrong people or wrong venue and you'll wake up in Mexican hotel room with a vacancy sign on your arse and no cab fare. And that would be getting off lucky. A special P.S. to this: keep your eyes on your drink. NEVER leave it unattended.

Hooker is as hooker looks. If you look like a hooker, don’t get upset if you get treated like one, there are plenty of ways to look sexy and classy at the same time. Try revealing your best feature, not ALL your features. Advertising is one thing but having a tattoo with an arrow down your back pointing at your ass will have guys staring AT YOUR ASS!! Guys are visual so if you think you are showing off to much of your body, don’t worry the wrong guy will definitely come up to you and make sure your thoughts are confirmed. Don't assume the Tinkerbell purse you carried in will have men believing you are innocent.

The Revenge of the floosie. If you go to the club to looking for a guy, don’t get snarky if the “wrong” guy is looking at you. I too frequently see men being the victim of that “what are you looking at" stare from females (who usually are not nearly as cute as they think) and then 20 minutes later she is giving mouth to mouth to the new guy she just met. Guess what!! Guy number one was looking at the same thing guy number two was looking at. You can’t make the wrong guys not look at you and the right guys look. Doesn’t work that way. You deal with the good and the bad. Be polite in declining the attention, this very well may be the same guy who offers to change your flat tire when the "right guy" has left you without assuring your safety. If you intentionally walked in carrying yourself like a piece of meat in this proverbial meat market, stop acting annoyed when you are ultimately tenderized. People do judge you by your actions. Sidebar: men gossip just as much as females, so Lord help you if they remember that you had the same M.O. the week before.

In closing: Everyone is different in their own particular way. We don’t like the same type of people, the same type of drink, the same type of music or the same type of approach. If you don’t “get lucky” at the club it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, it is likely that someone there found you attractive. He or she just has a different way of doing things and unfortunately their way of doing thing may require you to make the first move (both for men and women). So if you see someone staring at you, and all your special secret eye tricks don’t work, walk up and introduce yourself, or you may walkout by yourself.

BONUS TIP FOR WOMEN: Never pass up an opportunity to piss. Even if the line is long. You may find yourself crouching behind a tree or dumpster raining urine on your new ‘Choo’s. ‘Nuff said on that one.

BONUS TIP FOR MEN: We don't think you look cool in sunglasses in a nightclub, we actually think you look pretty stupid or are attempting to conceal a bad case of pink eye. You are not a superstar and there is no paparazzi to avoid. Rest easy.