Free Club Tips for the Socially Handicapped

Women:
It's Friday, you have freshly dyed your roots (yet your eyebrows are still black as coal.) You have put on a pair of jeans that define your assets perfectly. You have slipped on the glitter lips stick that looks like you gave a blow job to a Leprechaun and the mani-pedi is somewhat fresh, even if you did cheat and only repainted the big toe (after all it is the only one that shows, right?). You are ready for a night out of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of fun.

Men:
It’s Friday and you have donned your favorite (and only) leisure suit, splashed on your high- karate cologne (or some knock off) and plucked that one annoying nose hair out your nostril. Other than that, you are already perfect, right? (NOT! Please be on a friendly basis with your deodorant and toothpaste). You are ready for a night of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of getting laid.

Here’s some simple tips:

1. If you look and act like you are desperate you will probably be treated like crapola. We all know there is at least one guy who will try to grab every girl that walks by and one chic who is looking for a naive guy to use for drinks. If you look desperate, you will no doubt be the one grabbed after he has has no luck pawing at every girl in the club, or the one alone when the lights come on. If you truly are desperate, keep that information confidential. You might look like Princess Fiona or Shrek but there is someone for everyone. So make them earn your respect. This will make them respect you more.

2. Only the stupid will enter the wall (The ubber Cockblockers/Wannabe Pimps). If you bring a bunch of friends with you to the club, and we all do, only the bravest of the brave or the dumbest of the dumb will attempt to enter through your friends to talk to you. Why? Because no one, male or female, wants to get shot down in stereo. He or she approaches with confidence and leaves with a laugh track echoing behind them. Their ego is crushed forever and soon they will become bitter with the opposite sex, referring them as bitches or assholes. So if you see hottie and the eye contact is made, reposition yourself to be on the end of your friend group so he or she can approach, you don’t have to be easy, just accessible. Don’t make them have to run the gauntlet from hell.

3. If you are only there to dance, then dance! If you are there to get your groove on, stop being so damned persnickety about the people you dance with. I don’t care what they look like (within reason, of course) or how old they are (again, within reason.) As long as they don’t have a heart attack on the dance floor, you are generally good to go. If they can bounce to the beat then you have found a dance partner. For a song or two anyway. This does not require a credit check, wallet inspection, or physical exam. Nor will it end with a marriage proposal so relax, enjoy the beat and move on with your night. It’s only a dance and it’s really not that serious so ease up!

Special Message to the Men:
Obey all traffic laws. “Stop” means get your grubby hands of me. No means no (until told otherwise). No one needs to be so cogent at a club. If you are this forceful now in public, what will you be like when you are in the privacy of your own home? Sometimes it is nice for a guy to know how to take charge, but not at a club, and most definitely not on the initial meet and greet. So ease up. Take your time. If we are into you, our attention will stay with you. If we aren’t, wouldn’t you rather find out from Jump Street and cut your losses?


Special messages to the ladies: (more tips here due to me being the consummate lady)
Too drunk is not attractive. Slurring words or causing a scene like a ghetto version of the Young and the Restless is not something a guy wants to remember you by. Drinking is fine. Drunk to near death is not cute or endearing. I personally don’t want to clean out my car from my girlfriend throwing up, nor will a guy. Your mind should be focused on the moment, NOT on how much longer they are offering a 2-for-1 special on shots of Pink Panties or how long you have until last call. You can go anywhere to get sloshed (preferably at home where you can throw up on yourself) but get drunk with the wrong people or wrong venue and you'll wake up in Mexican hotel room with a vacancy sign on your arse and no cab fare. And that would be getting off lucky. A special P.S. to this: keep your eyes on your drink. NEVER leave it unattended.

Hooker is as hooker looks. If you look like a hooker, don’t get upset if you get treated like one, there are plenty of ways to look sexy and classy at the same time. Try revealing your best feature, not ALL your features. Advertising is one thing but having a tattoo with an arrow down your back pointing at your ass will have guys staring AT YOUR ASS!! Guys are visual so if you think you are showing off to much of your body, don’t worry the wrong guy will definitely come up to you and make sure your thoughts are confirmed. Don't assume the Tinkerbell purse you carried in will have men believing you are innocent.

The Revenge of the floosie. If you go to the club to looking for a guy, don’t get snarky if the “wrong” guy is looking at you. I too frequently see men being the victim of that “what are you looking at" stare from females (who usually are not nearly as cute as they think) and then 20 minutes later she is giving mouth to mouth to the new guy she just met. Guess what!! Guy number one was looking at the same thing guy number two was looking at. You can’t make the wrong guys not look at you and the right guys look. Doesn’t work that way. You deal with the good and the bad. Be polite in declining the attention, this very well may be the same guy who offers to change your flat tire when the "right guy" has left you without assuring your safety. If you intentionally walked in carrying yourself like a piece of meat in this proverbial meat market, stop acting annoyed when you are ultimately tenderized. People do judge you by your actions. Sidebar: men gossip just as much as females, so Lord help you if they remember that you had the same M.O. the week before.

In closing: Everyone is different in their own particular way. We don’t like the same type of people, the same type of drink, the same type of music or the same type of approach. If you don’t “get lucky” at the club it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, it is likely that someone there found you attractive. He or she just has a different way of doing things and unfortunately their way of doing thing may require you to make the first move (both for men and women). So if you see someone staring at you, and all your special secret eye tricks don’t work, walk up and introduce yourself, or you may walkout by yourself.

BONUS TIP FOR WOMEN: Never pass up an opportunity to piss. Even if the line is long. You may find yourself crouching behind a tree or dumpster raining urine on your new ‘Choo’s. ‘Nuff said on that one.

BONUS TIP FOR MEN: We don't think you look cool in sunglasses in a nightclub, we actually think you look pretty stupid or are attempting to conceal a bad case of pink eye. You are not a superstar and there is no paparazzi to avoid. Rest easy.