Life is funny, ironic, cosmic, unexpected yet predictable….. crazy. It is sadly true that people really don’t change much, even after many years, decades or stages in life when maturity is supposed to take pace. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Personally I have seen myself morph from a rebellious teenager to a naive young girl, to a mature, older wiser 30-something year old woman. Perhaps in another 20 years I will read this and appreciate the lessons learned even later during the mid-life experience.
Of course, in this writing I am referring to the manifestation of love, emotion, inner wisdom, knowledge of self. 20 years ago I was 18 years old, graduating from high school and had my whole life figured out. I knew everything there was to know and no one could tell me otherwise without me rolling the eyes and dismissing their words with a casual wave of the hand. I could not have been more ill informed. The years rolled by like the seemingly infinite green pastures of a Texas highway.
Through experiences, loves lost and found, higher education and exposure to street acumen, a new perspective on life is developed. If one does not learn to have faith, courage and wisdom all the while, they may well find their self at 38 years old getting a reality check like no other. The beauty is, these three things are innately inside, they just have not been tapped into. Humility, pride, intelligence, courage, forgiveness, patience, and the sacred art of choosing your battles are all things that are often taken for granted.
I recently reconnected with someone through the miracles of the internet. This was once someone who I loved with every fiber of my being. I did things for this man that were so above and beyond what any self respecting female should do, especially for a man who is otherwise attached. Someone wise told me “never make someone a priority when they only consider you an option” and I so wished I had heard these words years earlier in life. They have stuck to my heart since day one, yet, I seem to have had a temporary backslide into the abyss of what “could be.“ Heartbroken again? No. Disillusioned? Maybe. The thrill of meeting someone new is definitely the only good thing that came out of this Texas rendezvous. A true southern gentleman who managed to salvage an otherwise wasteful excursion.
There seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life…. Men who tell me I was the best thing they ever had, the one that got away, the one they “should have married”, the one who never gave them drama or pretended to be someone I was not. Yet, somehow each and every one of these men are now either attached to someone else and still trying to keep me on the side or have not outgrown the old “sewing wild oats” stage of life. No amount of “I’m sorry” takes away the stab in the heart that comes every time. Yet I still open myself up with the faith that maybe, just maybe, this might be the one exception to the rule. This might be the one who knows how to appreciate me for who I am, accept me for who I am not, and love me as I deserve.
I used to hate it when people would say that “People never change” because I wanted to hold on to my faith that people are able to and DO change for the better. I know it is possible because I have done this. I have matured and grown with each flip of a calendar page and hoped others had as well. But the bottom line, no matter how many times I continuously give someone the benefit of the doubt, those leopard spots reappear and I see the individual is the same old, tired, lying, cheating, immature, addicted, sorry excuse for a human being that they always were. The only change was that they had become better at covering their proverbial spots. Yet in still I hold this silent little prayers and a tiny corner of my heart in case that one person will come along and prove to me that my faith was not for nothing. Miss Alicia Keys says in her song “Although I was burned… I call it a lesson learned” and this is me, in a nutshell.
So as I sit here in this airport terminal, 3 hours early for a flight because I simply couldn’t wait to get away from yet another disappointment, I am with a heavy heart that yet another person has taken a notch out of my soul. Did I expect him to fall lovingly into my arms and pledge an eternal vow of love, no, but perhaps at least following through with simple promise of a memorable experience in a new city would have been most appreciated. That being said, I do not regret coming here. I saw some things I had never seen and done some things I never thought I would get a chance to. Met some very nice people, had a few laughs and heard some good Texas music. Although the photographs document bittersweet memories , I have them and will tuck them away for a time when the sting in my heart is not so sharp.
As I sit here writing this, my phone rings and the sweet voice of my daughter comes through. She misses me, loves me and tells me a few anecdotes of the dog’s latest antics and of what she has been up to while I was away. Suddenly I have a whole new appreciation for the blessings in my life and am ready to go home to said blessings. Give my two kids a big bear hug, my dog a belly rub till he gives me that famous foot kick of his, and embrace all I have. Perhaps I have just located that proverbial silver lining.
Thank you for sharing. The ending was the best.
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