"Stayin' Alive"

After seven long years of emptiness and one year of old fashioned written correspondence my dear friend and I have finally been reuinuted. Other than a few creases of age time stamped around the occipitals and perhaps a couple extra pounds around the waistline, Daniel looked exactly the same as he did in 1993 when our lives first crossed paths.

Over the many years of friendship we lived housemates several times, sometimes surviving of a $3.00 box of pancake mix until payday. It would be impossible to count all the time spent shooting pool and playing music on the juke box at the local dive or re-watching our favorite movies. So many inside jokes and quoting movie lines at moments only the two of us would get the irony, and this was only the beginning of our friendship. By far my fondest memory is Daniel being the only person in my corner at a very stressful time of my life. I had just given birth to my 2nd child and was in the midst of divorce preceedings, basically living with no support. I was forced to return to work when my daughter was only three weeks old, and to make it worse, I worked graveyard shift.  I was overcome with guilt leaving my newborn and my 4 year old, but he was right there by my side, someone I trusted my childrens' lives with. He watched over them as though they were his own flesh and blood. He kept them safe and cared for and entertained them so I could sleep after working all night. He never asked for anything in return except my continued friendship. Daniel was an integral part of my children's lives.

So here we are, almost 20 years later and so much to catch up on. We are both facing obstacles in our own lives but somehow knowing my dear friend is back in my life, I feel a sense of peace.  We have been there for one another through so many hardships, I know that the challenges that face us now we can get through. Another example of God working in mysterious ways.

Thanks, Ott.

Needing a little time to recharge my batteries, I checked into a hotel for 2 days recently. How lovely it was to watch the sun go down over the Pacific from my 12th floor balcony. I slept in enjoying a bed full of pillows and had a leisurely breakfast of toast, coffee and fruit while making new friends. Afternoon was comprised of a good book, fashion rags, hot tub, and a few cocktails poolside. Evening delivered a devastatingly handsome man over for dinner and a few more cocktails in the lobby lounge, which sparked up quite the flirtatious conversation. Oh my... how a sexy smile can bring the school girl giggle out.

Wash, rinse, repeat... day two brought on much of the same except that I managed to squeeze in a bit of retail therapy for my upcoming annual Vegas extravaganza. All in all, a much needed break from reality.

Breakfast At Tiffany's

At long last, I finally viewed Breakfast at Tiffany's on the big screen. What a treat for yours truly, who adores Ms Hepburn. Not only for her acting talent, but more so for her humanitarianism. A woman that epitomizes class, intellect, humor, strength, style, and selflessness. I wish I could have met her just once to tell her how much I admire her.   Now I'll go to bed, dreaming of a time when ladies enjoyed hats and gloves and men opened doors and held hands. Scratch one off my bucket list, this dream has been fulfilled.

Pickin' Season

Thursday text from daughter:

A: MOM!! Guess what my GPA is?!?
ME: Ummm it must be great if you are so excited...
A: a 4.7!!!
ME: Makin your mama proud, kiddo

Looking back, in my high school years, I was a lousy student. My parents didn't care about grades or homework, as long as I graduated and moved out. Sounds cruel, but this was my reality. So I skated by doing the bare minimum. I ditched all the time (typically to go to work) I partied in Tijuana every chance I got (back then it was not as deadly as it is now) and hung out with my much-older college-age cousin (she was a "good Catholic girl" whom they trusted) which ultimately lead to me trying to be more grown up than I was ready to be. At 18 I was on my own. I attempted community college because it seemed like the next logical step. But in the 1st semester I got pregnant and that was the end of higher education for the next 20 years. At least I finally got that degree. In the meantime, seeing how both my children excel in their education, are both innately driven to do their best and still maintain active social lives and honorable hobbies... makes me wonder what I might have accomplished in life, had my own parents carried higher expectations. No regrets here because I am basically a happy person with life. I suppose my apples have fallen FAR from their tree, and rolled into a whole different orchard. It does my heart good to get these type of messages... makes me feel like somewhere along the line, I did something right. : )

Workin' Gal

Today was a beautiful day in San Diego. I woke up with a smile on my face and a dog at my feet. Two hours later I was sitting in a refresher course training session as a rehire at my old company.  I am hoping and praying that this opportunity turns into a long term commitment. They have expressed huge trust in my capabilities by assigning me to a dual position that promises to increase my experience.

So, in closing early and getting a good night's sleep.... I leave you with this fabulous quote I heard today... Live a life youre proud of and if you need to, have the strength to start all over again.


Behind Door # 2

In the spirit of dancing to the beat of my own drummer... I am opening a bottle of Moscatto and settling in for a Sex and the City Marathon in lieu of beer and football... Somehow I feel like I found my own Superbowl. And Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha are playing at my half time show.

Think Pink!

What a great few days it has been for yours truly. I received a smidgen of Intel on a job lead and within 3 days I had signed on the dotted line, Monday I attend a training refresher course and begin work thereafter. Welcome back to the wonderful world of medical records!

With financial stability, my mind was at ease and I spent time with my "twin cousin" today (A long, but rather cute story, stemming from childhood.) We shared lunch and sangria of fish bowl proportion and later met downtown to watch a classic movie on the big screen. I adore Ms. Hepburn but had yet to see Funny Face. Although a movie with "pizazz," I still hold Breakfast at Tiffany's in my #1 spot. A fun filled evening, nonetheless. A brisk walk through a gorgeous February evening and time with said cousin and my favorite daughter. All in all, a blessed day.

Delizioso Pasticcino!

In the midst of so much turmoil, I was invited to an amazing dinner at an Italian Restaurant in the Gaslamp District of downtown San Diego, in celebration of my dear cousins birthday. We started with Bruschetta di Asti (Toasted bread topped with chopped tomatoes, basil, fetta cheese); Carpaccio di Manzo all'Albese (Thinly sliced filet mignon with capers and shaved parmesan cheese, served on bed of arugula); and Caprese (Fresh Mozzarella cheese with sliced tomatoes and basil.)

The next course was Capellini ai Tre Crostacei (Angel hair with tiger shrimp, scallops and lobster claws in white wine sauce with leeks and basil.) My date had a lamb shank with asparagus, although I didn't get to sample his, it looked like a massive chunk of deliciosity.

Dessert was a tray of pastries, each in their own way looking amazingly tempting. As a complete shocker, a monstrous size serving of Tiramisu was placed in front of me with a candle. (A private joke between her and I, as I had never tasted this divine dessert) My special day is weeks away, yet she shared her treat with me. I was touched. The only thing that made this evening better was the companions around the table and seeing her glowing with happiness as she stepped out of her horse drawn carriage. A very classy touch from her husband, I must say. All in all, a memorable evening.

 



Misguided Prayers

The last 5 days have been filled with free floating anxiety and the oozing sludge of walking depression.  To back track, during the last several weeks my job has become increasingly stressful day after day.  I have become keenly aware of a cold rotten inertia of fake people and untruthful coworkers.  This all came to a climax on Friday the 13th (of all days) when, after 2 hours of work, I was pulled into the human resources office and put on indefinite suspension, pending an investigation of alleged charges posted against me. Reason stated was "inappropriate communication" the go-to explanation of all things generic. This "explanation" was no explanation at all.  The entire weekend I was detached from the world, wretched with emotion, nausea, and insomnia. I could not fathom what I could possibly have done to deserve this.

At long last, I was called in to tell my "side" of the story. (How one can do this when they don't KNOW the story is beyond me.)  I was stunned to learn I was being accused of sexual harassment by a coworker; one who has bantered with me back and forth for months, who has given me advice, and one that I have mutually shared anecdotes of our children with.  I knew instantly these allegations were completely false and there was something driving him to say these things. I was asked to defend myself from accusations that I was still trying to digest. How could this even be possible? I was in utter shock and could not focus. The investigator was as intimidating as an interrogator at Quantico when he told me I was not being forthcoming... but how can I be forthcoming when I didn't even see it coming? Only last week this "friend" offered to help me with some electrical work at my home! At Christmas he told me that he felt blessed to have a friend in me and that our camaraderie meant a lot to him. Does someone who feels harassed say these things? I think not. I am hurt, depressed and concerned about maintaining employment.  The entire situation is incomprehensible.

However, after much consideration and prayer I have come to a few points of clarity.

1. I know in my heart of hearts I have done nothing intentionally wrong or out of malice.

2. I have the truth on my side. And the Lord.

3.  I realized my instinctual prayers were misguided. I initially prayed for this situation to just go away and for me to return to work. Now I have altered my focus, praying for God to work this out how He sees best. If I am not meant to return to this career path, I ask that He shows me the right direction to follow.

4. I realized the individual that needs to be prayed for is actually my callous accuser. He has made serious untrue allegations against my character and something evil has driven him to do so. I pray that he finds it in himself to realize the error of his ways. Unfortunately, should I return to work, we will no longer be pals. I will no longer share lunch breaks, I can no longer inquire about his family's well-being or ask how his daughter is doing in school. I no longer believe in anyone at work and feel like any kindness may be an ulterior motive for something cynical. 

In closing, I have to learn to trust again.  He has taken my once open, trustful heart and hermetically sealed it with suspicion. So, while I continue to pray for him, I will also pray for myself. I can forgive him for the betrayal and hurt but it will be much harder to forgive him for taking away my innate sense of faith. I pray that God restores my faith in the basic goodness of humankind.

Excedrin Headache #101

I've had a rough 24 hours people. Work has been increasingly stressful closing out end-of-quarter reports and assembling books for the new year. Permits are expiring, generator maintenance has to be conducted and then we found out the sump pump was broken. If you don't know what that means, it's OK... up until 3 months ago, neither did I. But I will tell you this.... if you find out you need a sump pump on a rainy day, you will not be a happy camper. (Especially if you park underground.)

During all this chaos and learning, I've had one guy on my crew who basically cheats the system and does shotty work, when he works at all.  Finally the jig was up for this lazy-bone-jones. He had to meet with human resources and his only source of defense was to accuse me of being prejudice toward the Latino race and stated I treated him unfairly. He accepted no responsibility (even when the documentation was physically laid out in front of him) and only stated that I expected too much from him. He left his keys and badge on the table and walked out, after 12 years of service. I assure you, I hold no racial prejudice against anyone and am one of the most open minded people you will meet.

Although my boss, the human resource director, and even the hospital's CEO recognized the absurdity in this accusation, I feel unsettled at work now. This guy did not show up today, nor did he phone our boss, yet he contacted another coworker and stated he would return tomorrow. It will take every ounce of strength I have to maintain a decorum of professionalism. Suffice it to say, I will be saying an extra prayer tonight for God to bestow on me the fortitude to rise above these turbulent times and recognize the lesson He wants me to learn.

Weekend Recap

A few of my favorite things.... all that were included on this weekend's agenda :)

Wearing a pretty party dress

Staycation at The Lafayette

Video games with my kids

New, pretty, feminine Egyptian cotton sheets

Taking my furry friend to the doggie park

Yet, ANOTHER Bronco win

From Gaga, with love...

Well, the work party turned out to be surprisingly amusing. Obligatory cheek air kisses, hugs brought on by consumed hooch and the ever-present counterfeit smiles from people who otherwise ignore you during the daily grind. Co-workers realize you actually have a figure, there are no uniforms in sight, but a lot of legs, cleavage and rumpshakers exposed. The night ended late and I trudged upstairs to my hotel room slightly inebriated and with sore stiletto feet.

This morning I awoke to fresh coffee and an Advil. Evil hangovers are the worst. Lounged around a bit and finally headed out for lunch at one of my favorite eateries. Returning home I continued to my lounging status and was thrilled to have finally received my new bed linens from the UPS truck... ahhh nothing like the feel of Egyptian cotton under a down comforter. So far, a perfect day.. one I did not think could get any better, but was pleasantly surprised when it did just that.

Tonight I stayed home and watched a movie with my progeny; then played a few hours of Dance Central... they were both shocked and amazed that this old gal has a few moves and can cut a rug. I seem to have a natural talent for dancing to Poker Face by Lady Gaga. Over pizza, video games, and hamming it up, we had a wonderful night of bonding. It is evenings like this that fill my heart with love and joy. Blessings abound.

Decsions, decisions...

Now that the holiday season is officially over, the company I work for has scheduled their "Winter Staff Appreciation Party." Really?? At first I wasn't much interested in attending. Recently I found out there are several unsavory characters who have found it amusing to talk about yours truely and spread rumors. I find their gossip quite amusing myself now, actually. After some pressure from the boss to ignore the stupidity (he is so awesome!) I was convinced to go. I was even able to scare up a trophy date. 

So the debate begins. Do I wear the conservative sweater dress that is figure flattering or go for the gusto and wear the fancy party dress (over extreme Spanx) with a statement necklace that screams "In your face" confidence? Shoes... sexy stilts or casual pumps? Hair... up or down? This Cinderella is having a fashion crisis... where is my Fairy Godmother when I need her?

Unexpected Perspective

Today began as the continuation of a rather disheartening series of events which occured last night. Without rehashing all the gory details, I will give you the condensed version. I ran into an ex-boyfriend and a boatload of hurt and heartache (that I thought I was done with) reoccurred. It has been quite some time since I last saw this individual and... well... needless to say, words were exchanged, tears were shed, and a full on meltdown of emotions was had. This morning I woke up after a terrible night's sleep with a painfully raw inner cheek from grinding my teeth all night (a unconscious habit I have when I am stressed or upset), a migraine headache and nausea in my stomach. I went to work feeling very out-of-sorts, distracted, and exhausted. To make matters worse, our department was in total chaos after the holiday weekend and the boss was on a rampage of kicking ass and taking names.

At lunch I escaped to a temporary reprieve in my car and prayed to God to get me through this work day and help me find a way to move beyond last night's mishap. I went back inside in 30 minutes and started the second half of a seemingly never-ending shift. (You are familar... the kind of day that you look at the clock, thinking it has been hours but it has only been 30 minutes.) To find a bit of tasty distraction, I ventured to the cafeteria to "splurge" on a vending machine coffee.  It was here that I had an insightful encounter that changed my whole perspective.

There was a lab tech in the dining area picking at some food and looking quite pale. She wore a hat which I have never seen before on her. Coffee conversation ensued and she confided in me that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and has just begun chemotherapy. She is only on her 2nd of 8 rounds and already experiencing side effects. Her hair is falling out, she has no appetite, and is facing major surgery. Yet throughout all of her health problems she comes to work with a smile on her face and tells me she is just happy to be alive and to have a steady career which provides her with medical care. Suddenly I felt so ashamed of my my self-pity,  party of one. I told her that she truely insprired me. We shared a hug and she told me to stay strong, that I would get through my hurt. Imagine that.

This served as a reminder to not take things for granted. One must look beyond their own selfish existance and be grateful for all the wonderful blessings we have. Although I am entitled to feel emotional after my incident yesterday, I must also keep things in better perspective. A sound lesson to be reminded of so early in 2012. God sent me the answer to my lunch time prayers, indeed.

The Rose has Lost its Bloom.

What's a girl to do when her latest crush is like a roller coaster of emotions? The most recent specimen who caught my eye did so on a purely physical level in the beginning when I was craving fresh, erotic imagery. The chemistry, I thought, was amazing and mutually felt. As this man was also a coworker, and neither of us particularly enjoy nosey people in our personal business, we both decided to keep things on the down low. We shared stolen glances, inside jokes, and undercover flirtation for months. Finally, we found ourselves riding solo in the elevator and shared our first kiss.

Fast forward a few weeks... we have spent a few blocks of time togteher away from work getting to know one another. It morphed from this being purely sexual attraction to the desire to dig deeper and see who he really is, to the point I am at now, which is plain old confused. "B" has made several comments that do not sit well with me regarding race and how it holds some people back and progresses others to move forward. Although I am not a racial person by nature, I have struggled and overcome my own issues with stereotyping being a plus sized woman. I despise it when individuals use their ethnic geneology as an excuse as to why they are not in a better place. I feel we all have obstacles to overcome. For some it is prejudice against skin color, others against age, weight, or even gender.

Back the the issue on the table... Does a girl follow her intial instinct and hope it does not conclude as another relationship ending with a pile of unfulfilled promises? Does she adhere to these early warning signs and cut her losses? Does she truncate it to simply a casual physical encounter? Or does she start smelling different gardens because this rose has started to wilt?