Misguided Prayers

The last 5 days have been filled with free floating anxiety and the oozing sludge of walking depression.  To back track, during the last several weeks my job has become increasingly stressful day after day.  I have become keenly aware of a cold rotten inertia of fake people and untruthful coworkers.  This all came to a climax on Friday the 13th (of all days) when, after 2 hours of work, I was pulled into the human resources office and put on indefinite suspension, pending an investigation of alleged charges posted against me. Reason stated was "inappropriate communication" the go-to explanation of all things generic. This "explanation" was no explanation at all.  The entire weekend I was detached from the world, wretched with emotion, nausea, and insomnia. I could not fathom what I could possibly have done to deserve this.

At long last, I was called in to tell my "side" of the story. (How one can do this when they don't KNOW the story is beyond me.)  I was stunned to learn I was being accused of sexual harassment by a coworker; one who has bantered with me back and forth for months, who has given me advice, and one that I have mutually shared anecdotes of our children with.  I knew instantly these allegations were completely false and there was something driving him to say these things. I was asked to defend myself from accusations that I was still trying to digest. How could this even be possible? I was in utter shock and could not focus. The investigator was as intimidating as an interrogator at Quantico when he told me I was not being forthcoming... but how can I be forthcoming when I didn't even see it coming? Only last week this "friend" offered to help me with some electrical work at my home! At Christmas he told me that he felt blessed to have a friend in me and that our camaraderie meant a lot to him. Does someone who feels harassed say these things? I think not. I am hurt, depressed and concerned about maintaining employment.  The entire situation is incomprehensible.

However, after much consideration and prayer I have come to a few points of clarity.

1. I know in my heart of hearts I have done nothing intentionally wrong or out of malice.

2. I have the truth on my side. And the Lord.

3.  I realized my instinctual prayers were misguided. I initially prayed for this situation to just go away and for me to return to work. Now I have altered my focus, praying for God to work this out how He sees best. If I am not meant to return to this career path, I ask that He shows me the right direction to follow.

4. I realized the individual that needs to be prayed for is actually my callous accuser. He has made serious untrue allegations against my character and something evil has driven him to do so. I pray that he finds it in himself to realize the error of his ways. Unfortunately, should I return to work, we will no longer be pals. I will no longer share lunch breaks, I can no longer inquire about his family's well-being or ask how his daughter is doing in school. I no longer believe in anyone at work and feel like any kindness may be an ulterior motive for something cynical. 

In closing, I have to learn to trust again.  He has taken my once open, trustful heart and hermetically sealed it with suspicion. So, while I continue to pray for him, I will also pray for myself. I can forgive him for the betrayal and hurt but it will be much harder to forgive him for taking away my innate sense of faith. I pray that God restores my faith in the basic goodness of humankind.