Delizioso Pasticcino!

In the midst of so much turmoil, I was invited to an amazing dinner at an Italian Restaurant in the Gaslamp District of downtown San Diego, in celebration of my dear cousins birthday. We started with Bruschetta di Asti (Toasted bread topped with chopped tomatoes, basil, fetta cheese); Carpaccio di Manzo all'Albese (Thinly sliced filet mignon with capers and shaved parmesan cheese, served on bed of arugula); and Caprese (Fresh Mozzarella cheese with sliced tomatoes and basil.)

The next course was Capellini ai Tre Crostacei (Angel hair with tiger shrimp, scallops and lobster claws in white wine sauce with leeks and basil.) My date had a lamb shank with asparagus, although I didn't get to sample his, it looked like a massive chunk of deliciosity.

Dessert was a tray of pastries, each in their own way looking amazingly tempting. As a complete shocker, a monstrous size serving of Tiramisu was placed in front of me with a candle. (A private joke between her and I, as I had never tasted this divine dessert) My special day is weeks away, yet she shared her treat with me. I was touched. The only thing that made this evening better was the companions around the table and seeing her glowing with happiness as she stepped out of her horse drawn carriage. A very classy touch from her husband, I must say. All in all, a memorable evening.

 



Misguided Prayers

The last 5 days have been filled with free floating anxiety and the oozing sludge of walking depression.  To back track, during the last several weeks my job has become increasingly stressful day after day.  I have become keenly aware of a cold rotten inertia of fake people and untruthful coworkers.  This all came to a climax on Friday the 13th (of all days) when, after 2 hours of work, I was pulled into the human resources office and put on indefinite suspension, pending an investigation of alleged charges posted against me. Reason stated was "inappropriate communication" the go-to explanation of all things generic. This "explanation" was no explanation at all.  The entire weekend I was detached from the world, wretched with emotion, nausea, and insomnia. I could not fathom what I could possibly have done to deserve this.

At long last, I was called in to tell my "side" of the story. (How one can do this when they don't KNOW the story is beyond me.)  I was stunned to learn I was being accused of sexual harassment by a coworker; one who has bantered with me back and forth for months, who has given me advice, and one that I have mutually shared anecdotes of our children with.  I knew instantly these allegations were completely false and there was something driving him to say these things. I was asked to defend myself from accusations that I was still trying to digest. How could this even be possible? I was in utter shock and could not focus. The investigator was as intimidating as an interrogator at Quantico when he told me I was not being forthcoming... but how can I be forthcoming when I didn't even see it coming? Only last week this "friend" offered to help me with some electrical work at my home! At Christmas he told me that he felt blessed to have a friend in me and that our camaraderie meant a lot to him. Does someone who feels harassed say these things? I think not. I am hurt, depressed and concerned about maintaining employment.  The entire situation is incomprehensible.

However, after much consideration and prayer I have come to a few points of clarity.

1. I know in my heart of hearts I have done nothing intentionally wrong or out of malice.

2. I have the truth on my side. And the Lord.

3.  I realized my instinctual prayers were misguided. I initially prayed for this situation to just go away and for me to return to work. Now I have altered my focus, praying for God to work this out how He sees best. If I am not meant to return to this career path, I ask that He shows me the right direction to follow.

4. I realized the individual that needs to be prayed for is actually my callous accuser. He has made serious untrue allegations against my character and something evil has driven him to do so. I pray that he finds it in himself to realize the error of his ways. Unfortunately, should I return to work, we will no longer be pals. I will no longer share lunch breaks, I can no longer inquire about his family's well-being or ask how his daughter is doing in school. I no longer believe in anyone at work and feel like any kindness may be an ulterior motive for something cynical. 

In closing, I have to learn to trust again.  He has taken my once open, trustful heart and hermetically sealed it with suspicion. So, while I continue to pray for him, I will also pray for myself. I can forgive him for the betrayal and hurt but it will be much harder to forgive him for taking away my innate sense of faith. I pray that God restores my faith in the basic goodness of humankind.

Excedrin Headache #101

I've had a rough 24 hours people. Work has been increasingly stressful closing out end-of-quarter reports and assembling books for the new year. Permits are expiring, generator maintenance has to be conducted and then we found out the sump pump was broken. If you don't know what that means, it's OK... up until 3 months ago, neither did I. But I will tell you this.... if you find out you need a sump pump on a rainy day, you will not be a happy camper. (Especially if you park underground.)

During all this chaos and learning, I've had one guy on my crew who basically cheats the system and does shotty work, when he works at all.  Finally the jig was up for this lazy-bone-jones. He had to meet with human resources and his only source of defense was to accuse me of being prejudice toward the Latino race and stated I treated him unfairly. He accepted no responsibility (even when the documentation was physically laid out in front of him) and only stated that I expected too much from him. He left his keys and badge on the table and walked out, after 12 years of service. I assure you, I hold no racial prejudice against anyone and am one of the most open minded people you will meet.

Although my boss, the human resource director, and even the hospital's CEO recognized the absurdity in this accusation, I feel unsettled at work now. This guy did not show up today, nor did he phone our boss, yet he contacted another coworker and stated he would return tomorrow. It will take every ounce of strength I have to maintain a decorum of professionalism. Suffice it to say, I will be saying an extra prayer tonight for God to bestow on me the fortitude to rise above these turbulent times and recognize the lesson He wants me to learn.

Weekend Recap

A few of my favorite things.... all that were included on this weekend's agenda :)

Wearing a pretty party dress

Staycation at The Lafayette

Video games with my kids

New, pretty, feminine Egyptian cotton sheets

Taking my furry friend to the doggie park

Yet, ANOTHER Bronco win

From Gaga, with love...

Well, the work party turned out to be surprisingly amusing. Obligatory cheek air kisses, hugs brought on by consumed hooch and the ever-present counterfeit smiles from people who otherwise ignore you during the daily grind. Co-workers realize you actually have a figure, there are no uniforms in sight, but a lot of legs, cleavage and rumpshakers exposed. The night ended late and I trudged upstairs to my hotel room slightly inebriated and with sore stiletto feet.

This morning I awoke to fresh coffee and an Advil. Evil hangovers are the worst. Lounged around a bit and finally headed out for lunch at one of my favorite eateries. Returning home I continued to my lounging status and was thrilled to have finally received my new bed linens from the UPS truck... ahhh nothing like the feel of Egyptian cotton under a down comforter. So far, a perfect day.. one I did not think could get any better, but was pleasantly surprised when it did just that.

Tonight I stayed home and watched a movie with my progeny; then played a few hours of Dance Central... they were both shocked and amazed that this old gal has a few moves and can cut a rug. I seem to have a natural talent for dancing to Poker Face by Lady Gaga. Over pizza, video games, and hamming it up, we had a wonderful night of bonding. It is evenings like this that fill my heart with love and joy. Blessings abound.

Decsions, decisions...

Now that the holiday season is officially over, the company I work for has scheduled their "Winter Staff Appreciation Party." Really?? At first I wasn't much interested in attending. Recently I found out there are several unsavory characters who have found it amusing to talk about yours truely and spread rumors. I find their gossip quite amusing myself now, actually. After some pressure from the boss to ignore the stupidity (he is so awesome!) I was convinced to go. I was even able to scare up a trophy date. 

So the debate begins. Do I wear the conservative sweater dress that is figure flattering or go for the gusto and wear the fancy party dress (over extreme Spanx) with a statement necklace that screams "In your face" confidence? Shoes... sexy stilts or casual pumps? Hair... up or down? This Cinderella is having a fashion crisis... where is my Fairy Godmother when I need her?

Unexpected Perspective

Today began as the continuation of a rather disheartening series of events which occured last night. Without rehashing all the gory details, I will give you the condensed version. I ran into an ex-boyfriend and a boatload of hurt and heartache (that I thought I was done with) reoccurred. It has been quite some time since I last saw this individual and... well... needless to say, words were exchanged, tears were shed, and a full on meltdown of emotions was had. This morning I woke up after a terrible night's sleep with a painfully raw inner cheek from grinding my teeth all night (a unconscious habit I have when I am stressed or upset), a migraine headache and nausea in my stomach. I went to work feeling very out-of-sorts, distracted, and exhausted. To make matters worse, our department was in total chaos after the holiday weekend and the boss was on a rampage of kicking ass and taking names.

At lunch I escaped to a temporary reprieve in my car and prayed to God to get me through this work day and help me find a way to move beyond last night's mishap. I went back inside in 30 minutes and started the second half of a seemingly never-ending shift. (You are familar... the kind of day that you look at the clock, thinking it has been hours but it has only been 30 minutes.) To find a bit of tasty distraction, I ventured to the cafeteria to "splurge" on a vending machine coffee.  It was here that I had an insightful encounter that changed my whole perspective.

There was a lab tech in the dining area picking at some food and looking quite pale. She wore a hat which I have never seen before on her. Coffee conversation ensued and she confided in me that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and has just begun chemotherapy. She is only on her 2nd of 8 rounds and already experiencing side effects. Her hair is falling out, she has no appetite, and is facing major surgery. Yet throughout all of her health problems she comes to work with a smile on her face and tells me she is just happy to be alive and to have a steady career which provides her with medical care. Suddenly I felt so ashamed of my my self-pity,  party of one. I told her that she truely insprired me. We shared a hug and she told me to stay strong, that I would get through my hurt. Imagine that.

This served as a reminder to not take things for granted. One must look beyond their own selfish existance and be grateful for all the wonderful blessings we have. Although I am entitled to feel emotional after my incident yesterday, I must also keep things in better perspective. A sound lesson to be reminded of so early in 2012. God sent me the answer to my lunch time prayers, indeed.

The Rose has Lost its Bloom.

What's a girl to do when her latest crush is like a roller coaster of emotions? The most recent specimen who caught my eye did so on a purely physical level in the beginning when I was craving fresh, erotic imagery. The chemistry, I thought, was amazing and mutually felt. As this man was also a coworker, and neither of us particularly enjoy nosey people in our personal business, we both decided to keep things on the down low. We shared stolen glances, inside jokes, and undercover flirtation for months. Finally, we found ourselves riding solo in the elevator and shared our first kiss.

Fast forward a few weeks... we have spent a few blocks of time togteher away from work getting to know one another. It morphed from this being purely sexual attraction to the desire to dig deeper and see who he really is, to the point I am at now, which is plain old confused. "B" has made several comments that do not sit well with me regarding race and how it holds some people back and progresses others to move forward. Although I am not a racial person by nature, I have struggled and overcome my own issues with stereotyping being a plus sized woman. I despise it when individuals use their ethnic geneology as an excuse as to why they are not in a better place. I feel we all have obstacles to overcome. For some it is prejudice against skin color, others against age, weight, or even gender.

Back the the issue on the table... Does a girl follow her intial instinct and hope it does not conclude as another relationship ending with a pile of unfulfilled promises? Does she adhere to these early warning signs and cut her losses? Does she truncate it to simply a casual physical encounter? Or does she start smelling different gardens because this rose has started to wilt?

"T" Minus 72 Hours

In the wake of a much needed mini vacation, I am now officially counting down the hours until my departure. I purchased a new suitcase today (Brown faux-aligator Adrienne Vittadini, on clearance...) and have started filling it with outfits, toiletries, and travel necessities. Three more days and I will be Seattle bound. Here's to safe travels....

Happy Thanksgiving Eve 2011

It's already gobble time! Where has 2011 gone, anyway? Well, I have to be honest, so far 2011 has had it's fair share of financial hardship, love heartache, health concerns, and future uncertainty. But through all the struggles, I have been blessed with friends, family and two wonderful offspring who have supported me. In this line of thinking, I offer the following tributes of thanks.

* I give thanks for my job, the stability it offers and the medical benefits it provides to get better body mileage, despite the rough start.
* I give thanks for my children who continue to suprise me with acts of kindness, appreciation and maturity. 
* I give thanks for my family circle who have always been there for me. Even during the times when the truth was hard to swallow, they told me the real deal and offered words of wisdom.
* I give thanks for having the most awesome friends imaginable. No matter what idiotic things I do, lapses in judgment, dumb words that come out of my mouth, or crisis I find myself in, I can count on a handful of  people to say the right thing to make me feel better.
* I give thanks for the tears shed, the laughter that followed and all the lessons in between.
* I give thanks for memories that will remain in my heart of loved ones who have passed this year and wish for them no more pain or hurt.
* I give thanks to a higher power can be felt in my heart every morning. No matter what stresses I know I will be facing that day, I know I will get through it with the power of prayer.

In closing, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Be safe, enjoy the loved ones around you and cherish the simplicity of laughter and love in your world. God Bless.

Officially checked OUT of the Backsliders' Club

The first 2 weeks on my fitness journey began with a huge gust of motivational wind, daily anticipation of the next go-round and aiming to improve number of reps, weight on machines, and time/speed on the treadmill.  Unfortunately as fast as the wind moved in, it moved right back out. I had one very busy week of post-work appointments causing me to skip my workouts several days in a row. Then came a bout of depression for a few days with some not-so-good test results after my physical. Although serious, it is nothing some further medical management and prescription therapy can't cure. The silver lining? I now have health benefits through my employer and am back on the road to improved health. To solidify this fact, I started going back to the gym today, with a 15 year old support partner next to me. (My daughter joined me on this Sunday morning workout.) Looking forward to getting my hind quarter back in shape and bringing those deficeit levels back up to par. For my upcoming trip I made the conscience effort to "CHUZE" a hotel with an on-site gym. Now THAT is dedication. =)

Please Excuse the Repetition...

I realize the last few posts have been all about the gym and how I have made some major changes in my life. I apologize for the monotony, however, I am just so psyched to be taking such a determined approach to improving my lifestyle that I can't seem to stop talking about it. Well, at least on the blog. I try my hardest to not drone on and on to my friends and family about it.

This weekend I had an epiphany. I had to go to Kaiser for pre-physical lab work after a 12 hour fast. Upon arrival I realized not only did I use the stairs instead of the elevator, but I also chose the farthest parking spot instead of the closest. Small steps leading to giant leaps.

Rage Against The Machine(s)

Today started out as a normal work day filled with phone calls, emails, contracts, proposals and managing a crew short staffed because yet again, someone didn't come in to work. Towards the end of the day I had a rather irritating interaction with one of the crew guys and basically, to excuse my French, he pissed me the hell off. Instead of hollering about it, I simply informed my boss and decided "screw him and his disrespect." At 5:00 on the dot I clocked out and by 5:15 my workout pal and I were in full treadmill sweat at the gym. All the irritability in my head was worked out by putting the focus on something better.

We had a great workout and even tried a few of the weight machines out. It is a bit intimidating to be surrounded by all these toned and shaped people who know exactly how to use every station and look good doing it. I feel like my girth needs its own zip code for all the space I take up in my 3X t-shirt. However, I take comfort in knowing I am being proactive and taking charge of my health with exercise and eating right. I took a photo of myself on day 1 and hope to be able to post an updated picture in 30 days that shows some sort of visable progress. Until then, I will continue to dissipate my daily stress out there, one stair step at a time.

A New Me...

I have to admit it.... I have really let myself go. I got lazy and stopped exercising. I started eating way too much junk food. I imbibed in entirely too much booze. I fell into a bad depression during so many months of umemployment and unsuccessful job searching endeavors. I turned to all the wrong things to make myself feel better. A temporary fix, at best.

Well, times are a-changin, folks. I am comfortable in my new job and learning so much everyday I feel like my brain cells are rebuilding themselves. At long last, I have a steady paycheck, health benefits, and my kids and I are a united front, working together and following our dreams. I finally have things back together and I can focus on the bigger picture. This includes finishing my degree and getting back in good physical shape. I started today with the purchase of healthy provisions and tomorrow after work I am going to a gym and signing up with my gal pal who also wants to improve her health. Next week I am schuled for a full physical and I plan on discussing weight management with my new physician. So to fast food, late meals, and over indulging, I bid adiou.

So, stay tuned, and pray for me to stay motivated and on the right track.

What Men and Women Pray For!!!!

Woman's Prayer:

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep
... I pray for a man, who's not a creep;
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray to my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen

Man's Prayer:

Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a beer store.