Unrequoited West Coast Love

I am mentally exhausted from eking my way through life. The pattern of creative financing and the (much appreciated) help of others, and supportive friends has served as my saving grace. Living in Southern California is grossly overrated. Everything costs more here… insurance, gas, rent and utilities. It is with a heavy heart that I have come to the conclusion that my time residing here in San Diego must come to an end. Although I love it here, this is my native city; I also cannot help but to be excited at the prospect of a new start as a single woman.

I have spent 20 wonderful years being a mother, sister, friend and daughter, some years also wearing the title of student, wife, and volunteer. My habit has been to be ritually heroic, always taking care of others. Although I have no regrets, I also anticipate what new doors will open in my future. Experiencing life in a new city in another geographical region; learning diverse cultures and exploring unchartered territory appeals to me. Living out dreams I have put on a back burner for two decades, to travel and broaden my horizons.

It is time to let my wings spread and leave the comfort of my natural habitat and be independent. I am ready to rejuvenate my lifestyle and shake things up, seize the day and live like the exoteric gypsy I have always wanted to be. This 30 something is anticipating the next era of her life.

Living Life with No Regrets

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out whom you are or whom you want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost, moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become.

Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and import ones. If someone hurts you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count!! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself; it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life then go out and live it with ABSOLUTELY no regrets.

ROAD RAGE

This weekend was fun filled, spontaneous and full of girlie activities including thrifting, lunching, imbibing, and a Sex-And-The-City marathon, which, I am happy to say, I am now a huge fan of the show (I am still on the fence if I am a “Samantha” or a “Samantha/Carrie combo.)

However, while out running amok over San Diego, I was reminded of the rather annoying trend building in Southern Cali. I have noticed an increasing amount of douchbaggery behind the wheel. Perhaps I am just becoming a member of the road rage generation.

Again, this morning, on my way to work (note: it was not even 7am) I was privy to yet another incident of discourteous drivers when I was cut off by no other than a CalTrans “traffic enforcement officer” truck. This brought me to the need to compose my personal list of idiocies I have opinions of. There is no particular order.

1. Waiting until the last minute to veer right from the fast lane to catch your exit ramp on the right is not cool on ANY day. People… anticipate your need to exit at least a mile ahead of time and for the love of all that’s holy, USE your turn signal!

2. Everyone has been in the undesired position of trying to make a left turn out of a parking lot and having to cross traffic. While pulling forward a smidgen to check for oncoming traffic is acceptable, protruding the entire front end of your Suburban across the whole first lane is quite ridiculous. When you force oncoming traffic to change lanes or stop altogether because your front end is blocking everyone else, you become quite inconsiderate.

3. If you see someone trying to enter the lane, be courteous and allow them in. In addition, when someone is polite enough to let you in, reply in kind with a gesture of thanks.

4. The speed limit on most U.S. interstates is 55 mph. Unless you are someone’s Nana or a teen in driver’s education, you will not be abiding by the law. Go with the flow of traffic. Does this mean you have to be driving Mach IV during rush hour?? Of course not. But driving 55 in the fast lane is just as unacceptable.

5. DO NOT LITTER, find a wastebasket for crying out loud. No one wants to witness random banana peels, plastic wrappers, coffee cups or even dirty diapers flying out of your windows. (Yes… I have actually seen flying diapers)

6. NO TAILGATING. ‘NUFF SAID.

7. Pick a freaking lane and stop playing virtual frogger on I-5 in downtown Los Angeles in a weak attempt to arrive at your destination 3 minutes before everyone else. This also counts on multi-lane streets. If it really makes you feel superior to beat me to the red light, well, I guess that is your cross to bear.

8. Number 8 is dedicated to mainly the male gender. Yes, everyone is entitled to enjoy music when rolling your pimp mobile, however, be mindful of the volume and your audience. While a fellow homeboy may enjoy hearing about bling, hoes, 40 ounces or kush, a minivan filled with a clan of girl scouts, not so much.

9. In the spirit of keeping this fair.. numero nueve is dedicated to the ladies. Stop with the vehicular cosmetic regimen. Seriously, get up 10 minutes earlier and handle your lashes and lipstick in the safety of your home. If you absolutely cannot do this, wear sunglasses until you are safely parked, then feel free to commence the Merle Norman makeover.

10. Lastly, something we are guilty of. Cell phone usage, including text, needs to stop. Even yours truly is guilty of this and far more frequent than not, I am ashamed to say. However, in recent times I have made a valiant effort to stop this behavior. I am happy to report that I have cut text usage to stop lights or in traffic when not moving. Conversations have been limited to emergencies or conducted via speaker phone, much to my mothers chagrin.

Thank you for reading today’s rants and raves on the uncivilized, uncouth and downright ill-mannered ways of the weary commuter. Drive safely.

random thoughts for a Thursday...

Today I had an epiphany of sorts... although I am deeply appreciative of ALL things in my life, today, as I was sitting at my laptop, scanning away and earning a living, it suddenly re-occurred to me just how blessed I am. I may not be the prettiest, wealthiest, or even healthiest for that matter, but I am surrounded by people who genuinely care for me. Friendships do not always last forever, nor does sharing D.N.A. offer a free pass on a life-long relationship that endures all things...

I am mindful every day of the phenomenal individuals in my life. To be considered my family and my friend, are not mutually exclusive relationships. Some of the closest people to my heart share no kin to me through bloodline, yet, I would do anything for them in my power to make their lives untroubled, stress-free and as content as possible.

So, without getting too sappy today, I want you all to know that I love you and appreciate everything you bring into my life. Whether we are riding our beach cruisers, offering honest council (even when it isn't what wants to be heard), or resolving tough situations we find ourselves in, we stick together like white on rice and....

I would do anything for you biaaahs!!!

4 states in 24 hours...

In the spirit of sisterhood, friendship and plain old missing my bestie and niece, NYE (eve) found me boarding a delayed 747 bound for Denver, Co. After a brief stop in sin city, where I only lost a fiver to the Wheel of Fortune nickel slot. I finally arrived into a blizzard of snow flurries and 16 degrees with a wind chill.

Barely out of baggage claim, I received a call from work asking if I would fly to Seattle on Monday to assist on a project. Although the sacrifice was being away from my kids another 5 days, it also meant groceries and a roof.

The Denver trip was awesome. Lots of time catching up and visiting with my new "family" who are wonderful people who have welcomed me with open arms as though we share D.N.A. Family dinners, sight-seeing, and a game filled NYE party made it a trip I will never forget. It was all over too fast and Sunday came before I knew it. After a bit of last minute scurrying, tearful goodbyes and loading an overstuffed suitcase, I made it to Denver International only to be informed I had another flight delay. I finally touched down on native soil at 1am. You know you have devoted friends when they are willing to do a curbside pickup in the middle of the night. (Special thank you goes out to NG... she also incurred a fix-it ticket when circling the terminal... sorry babe!)

So now, less than 24 hrs later, I sit in a Seattle hotel room, tired, cranky and dealing with a head cold. Aye dios mio senor. Calgon-take me away. Time to recharge and get a good night sleep. "T" minus 4 days until I will be home and back with the ones I love.

2010 Reflections

It was the best of times it was the worst of times... No, I am not referring to the Dickens quote in the intro of "A Tale of Two Cities," but the year of 2010.

These last 12 months have brought geographic distances to friendships and emotional closeness to others. While some maintain their strength despite several state lines in between, others have dissipated like clouds after a downpour. The remnants remain present, reminding you of days past, but the clear skies offer new perspectives. Existing friendships have blossomed into beautiful gardens, bonding a sisterhood stronger than I ever thought possible, meanwhile others have had a rude awakening, much like a bear waking up early out of hibernation. The reality is not always pretty, but it is still reality.

Jobs have come and gone, homes have come and gone, and emotions sometimes got the best of us, but through it all we have managed to steer clear of the clutter of bullshit and keep sanity in tact, even if it was on a wing and a prayer. It is truly a tribute to a higher power how people are put into your life for a reason and are removed from your life for other reasons. The secret, my friends, is following your innate sense of intuition, asking for help, and accepting it when it is presented, not letting pride stand in your way. To decline the help is an insult to that same higher power. I have learned this year the value of taking the emotion out of an equation and making a decision based on facts. Dragnet said it best "just the facts, ma'am. "

To the miscreants, leeches, and other first class parasites I have had the displeasure of interacting with this year, I feel nothing but sympathy, and regard you as nothing more than a slimy bottom feeder. Your moral bankruptcy is quite transparent and someday, when your house of cards tumbles, you will realize that stench that surrounds you is nothing but the end result of conducting yourself like a total butt munch with a truth and ethics allergy.

For the rest, those I cherish, both new and old, know that my intentions are always good even if it means speaking an ugly truth. You can always count on me to be honest, loyal, and forthcoming. You are the epicenter of my heart and if not for my family and friends my life would surely have been dark in the past 12 months.

To those that have faith in a higher power, do not disregard the words as mere cliche when one utters "everything happens for a reason". Keep your strength, your integrity, and your class in tact. Keep progressing with your head held high. If you spend all waking hours trying to figure out then why's and why-nots, you may very well miss the meant-to-be's and overlook what was truly God's plan all along. Enjoy each day and keep me close in your heart, because that is where I keep you.

Our futures are unwritten. If we encourage one another, offer support and guidance, we can make 2011 the year we all achieve great things.

BACK TO LIFE

After much turmoil and effort, hours spent driving to interviews, constant revisions of a resume, anticipating line of questioning and developing the best possible answers, and a whole crap load of prayer... I GOT A JOB!!!!! Suffice it to say, I am kicking up my heels in glee, praising his Holiness and exhaling a huge sigh of relief. Wow, does it feel GREAT to be back in the land of the working, time clock and all. Stay tuned.....

The way I see it.

It started out great... as long as I was willing to drive you wherever, basically WHENever you needed. I paid for everything because I believed you when you said you were waiting on a new debt card, which just HAPPENED to have been lost at the same time we were supposed to split the cost of a hotel room.

I cooked for you, brought you lunch and coffee, washed your cloths, drove you to work at times, to haircuts, and even brought you downtown to party with your friends-no questions asked. I did all this out of the goodness of my heart, willingly, on my own free will. You actually ASKED me for very little. I have no regrets. I cared for you so much I just wanted to make your daily routine as easy as possible.

What you gave in return was chivalry. Opening doors, constantly being affectionate, being complimentary, saying all the right things about being ready for a relationship, meeting my kids, even being friends with my son.

But I'll tell you where you slipped up. Telling me about your friend who is using an older woman. I don't think you realize how much you appeared to find humor and admiration in his actions. Your face betrayed you and gave you away. Men like this are like wolfs circling the herd looking to pick off the most vulnerable. Suddenly the age difference between us seemed a real issue whereas before it didn't matter much to me.

Perhaps this is how you saw me. Perhaps not. I see myself as an average-to-cute looking, sensitive, older woman with "baggage" and a heart as wide as the ocean. My "baggage" is the love I have for my kids and choice to always make them my priority. I have a lot to offer and try to see the best in people. I think you used this fact to your advantage. Preying on my generosity, my willingness and my accessibility.

Now you have access to your finances again and a vehicle of your own, so your need for me is void. After all, you said it yourself, you are the "best." (Although I still think you need a reality check on this. Believe me, I have had bigger, better more sincere all at once) I'm sure you have females coming at you left and right offering themselves. I hope one of the will genuinely offer you everything I gave, and doing this innately from a sense of respect and dedication, NOT for what they think they will get out of you.

Next time I do all these things it will be with much more trepidation and the poor man will probably have to walk over coals to convince me he is sincere. And FYI, if you know I read your facebook wall, why would you respond to "Don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me" with "Yea, I do lol". But have no worries, I have never had a lack of male attention so I am relatively secure in the looks dept. Now I'm moving on... someone will appreciate all the loving things I do and the genuine heart I offer.

The Dating Diaries

In my last rampage I discussed inner confusion with regard to dating someone new. And now, only a short time later, things have rapidly changed. As the old cliche goes... God works in mysterious ways.

There is a new someone special in my life now and he is such a breath of fresh air. No, he is not Mr Perfect, but he has so many amazing qualities. Perhaps I am putting the cart in front of the horse, but I see this relationship having some serious potential.

There is nothing quite as attractive as a man with ambition, intelligence and all the qualities of a true gentleman. Time to delete the losers and users from my emotional attendance sheet.

Stay tuned...

Sweet Tooth

Today I found a moment of peace and tranquility. After a shower and a coat of lotion, I sat on my bedroom balcony wrapped in a towel and enjoyed the afternoon sun. The warmth on my face, breeze on my skin, wind chimes playing their own bamboo tune and a tall glass of water with fresh orange slices completed the mood. Sometimes we lose sight on how the simplest things can put a smile on our face.

I was so content I made dinner to jazz music and enjoyed a meal with my two offspring, followed by a spontaneous trip to Baskin Robbins for
a double scoop of pralines 'n cream/pistachio.

Relationships in Generation EX

In a world full of contradiction, uncertainty, confusion, impediment, and malice towards others, one finds it exceedingly difficult to fully trust and open their heart and lives to others...

It is virtually impossible to decipher the good people from the bad anymore; to differentiate the individuals who tell you things that are seemingly sincere from those who are just playing the game. It is hard to determine if you believe their words because it was what you wanted or needed to hear or because it is based on actual, sincere, genuine personal feeling. When you are constantly offered disingenuous rhetoric or Casanova game you become desensitized to it and it becomes routine to assume every new guy is only out to play the fascinated role and affix himself to you until he becomes bored and moves on to his next victim.

Hearing the same dialog repeated but with different verbiage, tone or insinuation, yet with the same outcome, how does a person learn to have faith in someone new who speaks along the same general method of operation? How does a woman differentiate if this new man is of a higher caliber? Does one assume this new found admirer is the exception or the rule? Do they give said person a chance out of faith, or do they keep the wall around their heart in full protective mode out of habit?

Do they listen to personal instinct or advice from others? Does personal instinct become infected with tainted memories of past experience? Does advice from others come from a place of hurt and retaliation?

It is common to become clouded by one’s own thinking, confused by too much deliberation, or wandering in circles of pandemonium so much you can no longer remember where you started, what you wanted, or what your concerns stemmed from. Sometimes you cannot recall when exactly that magical line was crossed when you opened up to someone enough to allow them into your personal zen of thought. A woman asks herself if the line was actually crossed or if it was just enough gentleman-esque behavior that the protective shield was worn down.

The time has come when it is the proverbial needle-in-the-haystack to meet someone of interest, date, exchange phone calls, feelings, daily events, or simple good morning-good night calls, meet for coffee and not just for the first date, but throughout their courtship. When a woman feels secure enough to cook a man dinner or wash his cloths and he returns in kind by killing a spider or checking the cars fluid levels. This is done out of affection and genuine interest in developing the relationship further by both parties.

Women have become disenheartened by a continued cycle of regret that they no longer allow themselves to openly trust someone without those evil little nagging doubts in the back of their mind telling them to protect themselves from repeated hurt.

Apologies

I have written a few monologues lately that just did not do justice to how I have truly felt. Life's ups and downs have left me feeling uncreative, critical of my own self, and at a loss of motivation to write. In the spirit of pulling myself out of this funk, I have attempted to write a piece on how I see relationships in Generation EX, when most people I seem to meet lately are all about self interest, self satisfaction and self indulgence; An epidemic of lack of concern, SINCERE CONCERN for others. Of course, there are exceptions.

A few decent men who appear to have potential, and a small handful of females who have shown me that although my best friend in the world is now living 1500 miles away, I am not alone in my need for female bonding. These ladies have proven to me that they are secure within their own close friendships and mean NOT to replace anyone, but to simply reassure me that I still have good gals in my corner. To you ladies, I dedicate this entry and perhaps the next as well.

I'm the Type of Girl Who...

Will help an elderly person across the street
Loves to see fathers holding their babies
Considers my closest friends my family
Will go the the movies alone Lets my dog sleep on my bed
Keeps snacks in my glove compartment for homeless people
Appreciates a door being opened for me
Will pick up a friend at 3am no questions asked
Keeps it real.. would tell the ugly truth before a pretty lie
Loves pink
Procrastinates
Watches guilty pleasures on TV
Gets teary seeing elderly couples holding hands
Am self-proclaimed fashion police
Would take away my friends' pain if I could
Tends to get tipsy when I have a good time with friends
Gives the benefit of the doubt but not instant trust, that must be earned
Admires the work, both on screen and off screen of Audrey Hepburn
Loves watching the rain
Can get in the car and take a spontaneous road trip without a destination
Will buy extra food for someone asking for money outside a fast food joint
Loves live music regardless of genre
Can attend class at midnight when I can't otherwise sleep
Can snuggle with a friend without feeling weird
Is saddened by reliance on electronic communication
Is still intimidated by my father at almost 40 years old
Keeps an open mind
Jumps in the waves full throttle
Will share my blanket
Sometimes wants to strangle my kids but would always kill for them
Falls asleep to the TV because I hate feeling alone
Appreciates nature
Listens to song lyrics
Buries my nose in the tummy of a baby and inhales their soft scent
Is addicted to forensic shows
Puts a frozen strawberry in my wine
Watches the sunset and appreciates the spirituality it
Feels lonely in crowds

Dark Forecast

Allow me to shed some light on Clinical Major Depression. No, it does not simply mean someone feels down or has a case of the blues. It is a life-altering condition that is one of the most misunderstood, dismissible diseases...

Gray skies are smiling at me. Seemingly mocking my emotions and goading me to continue feeling deflated. Like an airless balloon and no ability to rise above the nonsense and hurdles in life. I have no interest in anything and find it increasingly difficult to function at sea level just to get through the daily routine. Constant sadness, chronic fits of tears. You begin to cry yet have no idea what made you cry, which causes you to cry more.

Sleep denies me tonight. I toss and turn with terrible thoughts running amok in my head. Dark estimations of self worth I wish on no one, not even my arch nemesis, if I had one. But wait… I do have one. It is my own self. How ironic is that? When people say we are our own worst enemy they hit the depression nail on the head. Most people on the roster of disconsolates know what needs to be done to shake the blues, yet somehow, find it nearly impossible to take the steps. There is no drive to augment our emotional state because we feel hopeless and as though we deserve to stay miserable.

Depression hurts on so many levels. Lack of sleep or too much sleep. Sometimes I cannot get out of bed for the entire day and just want to remain in a dormant state and not wake up until the world will be a happy place for me. Loss of concentration and focus, procrastination due to lack of motivation, scatterbrained thoughts yet over analytical about the smallest of errors, aching bones, hair loss (even my eyelashes fall out), acne, nausea, low self esteem, overeating, constantly finding things you despise about your physical appearance, migraines, and emotions that change with a snap of the fingers. One minute you are laughing and the next you have to excuse yourself quickly because a bout of tears is threatening to erupt. People will think you are crazy.

The smallest of things irritate you. Even when you have a valid reason to be upset, you question your own justification. Am I being too sensitive? Or am I not caring enough? Did I overreact? Did I act accordingly, as a normal person would have? Furthermore, what defines normal? You become incapable of feeling joy for the simplest things you once took pleasure in. Casual friendships fade to black, you worry about everything, yet at the same time don’t care about anything, and then feel guilty for not caring. The vicious cycle continues infinitely.

When the mental skies become exceedingly gray, one becomes withdrawn. Guilt seeps through every pore. You deem yourself contemptible, worthless, undeserving, even pathetic, and feel guilty for bringing your dark forecast on the people surrounding you, so you withdraw. From life. Friends. Work. Loved ones. Even your own children. You convince yourself these people would be better off without you. Suicide? No, this is not an option for me. But perhaps if I moved far away to lands unknown and lived a life of self induced solitary confinement I would be doing the world a favor. I would not be bringing down those people around me who love and care about me.

More guilt. Why do I not appreciate all the love around me? All the things God has blessed me with? I have a loving family, a handful of friends who would do anything for me and vice-versa. My children are extremely intelligent, well rounded, polite, attractive, healthy, capable of emotion and show this by their genuine love for me. I have a home, a vehicle, food in the cupboards, cloths on my back, and even a canine companion who is my shadow. How would all these people be affected if I were to leave without word? I know I would never do this, but the evil thoughts still haunt my psyche.

Refuge? What is that? Where is that? How do I allow myself to decline to such a low level of significance? How is it that while I know I am loved and deserve to be loved and give love in return, yet I still feel empty? It resembles the sea-saw on a children’s playground. Up and down, back and forth. One minute I am on top and see things with such joy in my heart, the next I have my feet on the sand and see the world looking down at me with disgust. I stay on the ride because I know once again will be up high if I can just survive the lowness for a brief moment. I wish I knew why God put me on this sea-saw of life, why he didn’t simply allow me to be one of those happy-go-lucky kids who are happy pumping their legs on the swing, seemingly always aiming to higher.

Free Club Tips for the Socially Handicapped

Women:
It's Friday, you have freshly dyed your roots (yet your eyebrows are still black as coal.) You have put on a pair of jeans that define your assets perfectly. You have slipped on the glitter lips stick that looks like you gave a blow job to a Leprechaun and the mani-pedi is somewhat fresh, even if you did cheat and only repainted the big toe (after all it is the only one that shows, right?). You are ready for a night out of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of fun.

Men:
It’s Friday and you have donned your favorite (and only) leisure suit, splashed on your high- karate cologne (or some knock off) and plucked that one annoying nose hair out your nostril. Other than that, you are already perfect, right? (NOT! Please be on a friendly basis with your deodorant and toothpaste). You are ready for a night of rejection and humiliation, all in the name of getting laid.

Here’s some simple tips:

1. If you look and act like you are desperate you will probably be treated like crapola. We all know there is at least one guy who will try to grab every girl that walks by and one chic who is looking for a naive guy to use for drinks. If you look desperate, you will no doubt be the one grabbed after he has has no luck pawing at every girl in the club, or the one alone when the lights come on. If you truly are desperate, keep that information confidential. You might look like Princess Fiona or Shrek but there is someone for everyone. So make them earn your respect. This will make them respect you more.

2. Only the stupid will enter the wall (The ubber Cockblockers/Wannabe Pimps). If you bring a bunch of friends with you to the club, and we all do, only the bravest of the brave or the dumbest of the dumb will attempt to enter through your friends to talk to you. Why? Because no one, male or female, wants to get shot down in stereo. He or she approaches with confidence and leaves with a laugh track echoing behind them. Their ego is crushed forever and soon they will become bitter with the opposite sex, referring them as bitches or assholes. So if you see hottie and the eye contact is made, reposition yourself to be on the end of your friend group so he or she can approach, you don’t have to be easy, just accessible. Don’t make them have to run the gauntlet from hell.

3. If you are only there to dance, then dance! If you are there to get your groove on, stop being so damned persnickety about the people you dance with. I don’t care what they look like (within reason, of course) or how old they are (again, within reason.) As long as they don’t have a heart attack on the dance floor, you are generally good to go. If they can bounce to the beat then you have found a dance partner. For a song or two anyway. This does not require a credit check, wallet inspection, or physical exam. Nor will it end with a marriage proposal so relax, enjoy the beat and move on with your night. It’s only a dance and it’s really not that serious so ease up!

Special Message to the Men:
Obey all traffic laws. “Stop” means get your grubby hands of me. No means no (until told otherwise). No one needs to be so cogent at a club. If you are this forceful now in public, what will you be like when you are in the privacy of your own home? Sometimes it is nice for a guy to know how to take charge, but not at a club, and most definitely not on the initial meet and greet. So ease up. Take your time. If we are into you, our attention will stay with you. If we aren’t, wouldn’t you rather find out from Jump Street and cut your losses?


Special messages to the ladies: (more tips here due to me being the consummate lady)
Too drunk is not attractive. Slurring words or causing a scene like a ghetto version of the Young and the Restless is not something a guy wants to remember you by. Drinking is fine. Drunk to near death is not cute or endearing. I personally don’t want to clean out my car from my girlfriend throwing up, nor will a guy. Your mind should be focused on the moment, NOT on how much longer they are offering a 2-for-1 special on shots of Pink Panties or how long you have until last call. You can go anywhere to get sloshed (preferably at home where you can throw up on yourself) but get drunk with the wrong people or wrong venue and you'll wake up in Mexican hotel room with a vacancy sign on your arse and no cab fare. And that would be getting off lucky. A special P.S. to this: keep your eyes on your drink. NEVER leave it unattended.

Hooker is as hooker looks. If you look like a hooker, don’t get upset if you get treated like one, there are plenty of ways to look sexy and classy at the same time. Try revealing your best feature, not ALL your features. Advertising is one thing but having a tattoo with an arrow down your back pointing at your ass will have guys staring AT YOUR ASS!! Guys are visual so if you think you are showing off to much of your body, don’t worry the wrong guy will definitely come up to you and make sure your thoughts are confirmed. Don't assume the Tinkerbell purse you carried in will have men believing you are innocent.

The Revenge of the floosie. If you go to the club to looking for a guy, don’t get snarky if the “wrong” guy is looking at you. I too frequently see men being the victim of that “what are you looking at" stare from females (who usually are not nearly as cute as they think) and then 20 minutes later she is giving mouth to mouth to the new guy she just met. Guess what!! Guy number one was looking at the same thing guy number two was looking at. You can’t make the wrong guys not look at you and the right guys look. Doesn’t work that way. You deal with the good and the bad. Be polite in declining the attention, this very well may be the same guy who offers to change your flat tire when the "right guy" has left you without assuring your safety. If you intentionally walked in carrying yourself like a piece of meat in this proverbial meat market, stop acting annoyed when you are ultimately tenderized. People do judge you by your actions. Sidebar: men gossip just as much as females, so Lord help you if they remember that you had the same M.O. the week before.

In closing: Everyone is different in their own particular way. We don’t like the same type of people, the same type of drink, the same type of music or the same type of approach. If you don’t “get lucky” at the club it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, it is likely that someone there found you attractive. He or she just has a different way of doing things and unfortunately their way of doing thing may require you to make the first move (both for men and women). So if you see someone staring at you, and all your special secret eye tricks don’t work, walk up and introduce yourself, or you may walkout by yourself.

BONUS TIP FOR WOMEN: Never pass up an opportunity to piss. Even if the line is long. You may find yourself crouching behind a tree or dumpster raining urine on your new ‘Choo’s. ‘Nuff said on that one.

BONUS TIP FOR MEN: We don't think you look cool in sunglasses in a nightclub, we actually think you look pretty stupid or are attempting to conceal a bad case of pink eye. You are not a superstar and there is no paparazzi to avoid. Rest easy.