Confessions of a self proclaimed lazyass

The day started at 6am when the clocked rudely buzzed in my ear with the utmost of annoying shrills. Then I realized... I'M OFF TODAY!!!! Is it 100% deplorable how much enjoyment I got hitting the dismiss button and rolling back to a blissful sleep?

After waking an hour or so later I was home delivered a steemy fresh latte ala boyfriend #2. OK, so he's not a boyfriend, but at the current moment he is indeed #2 in the ranking of admirerers. Now I sound completely stuck up (I assure you I am not, it's just been a good summer for Cali, go figure.) Another positive vibration was the promise of said admirerer to look into the purchase of those sought after Louboutin heels mentioned last week. The pouty lip has not even made its appearance yet....

I had a million and one things on my agenda, of which a lonely two got done. That was only due to the fact that there was narry a clean towel to be found in the house and I had to wash my rear end at some point in the day. The other was done only because the call I had to make called ME, gotta love those persistant bill collectors. They sure mark their calendar on what week one receives their paycheck. That latte, although delish, did nothing for my typical motivational boost.

The rest of the day was pretty much a wash, no pun intended. I watched an hour of Cosby reruns, polished my piggies and read the newspaper, and I don't even feel guilty. Now, I go back to bed and prepare for another day in the Medical Record Slave Trade (Thanks Nic for the humorous text with this terminology).

Hotter Than Fish Grease

As the weekend comes to a close I find myself drowing in my own sweat. Today it is 103 degrees according to the thermometer at my local financial institution. Aye carumba! Despite the heat I dutifully did my 8 mile ride around the island. After a treat of a most delish MahiMahi fish taco, I am back home looking at my bedroom in gloom. My caboose has zero motivation to do anything that requires effort. The laundry screams at me, the sheets need to be changed, dinner prepared, Ipod updated, emails answered, groceries to buy, dry cleaing to retrieve....... never ending.

Suddenly I think my dog is on to something with this whole daytime nap thing.

*THROWS CONFETTI*

After years of struggling to get in where I fit in, I seem to have finally landed a secure jay-oh-bee. Although it means a lot of travel (no where exotic unless you count Detroit or Portland to be a hotbed of tourist attractions) it also means getting finances back on track. So.... posts may take a turn in the next few weeks. But keep your girl Cali in your prayers for a safe and lengthy professional journey.

YAY FOR ME!!! CAN I GET A HAND CLAP POR FAVOR!!!

Incidents of Ineffable Proportions

Frightening vision above:

#2 The Deliciousness of OB Noodle House

Random sights of the week:

In the last few days I have been in the utmost of places and seen some visual pictures that I quite honestly find hard to put into words. This began last week, when exiting the gym I was almost run over by a fully clothed clown in a wheelchair, big red nose, oversized shoes, rainbow afro and all.

A few days later I am heading towads my Sunday ritual bike ride and see a young brotha' on a unicycle peddling down the street. As if this were not already random-esque, the unicycle had a pink bling bling rim on the solo wheel. Who knew the latest trend would be 22's on a one wheeled cycle? Still amused by this sighting, I am riding my cruiser an hour later and see about a dozen horses swimming in San Diego Bay. Now, I have seen dogs aplenty taking a dip, and a mass array of water sports at Fiesta Island, but never have I seen a pack of swimming horses. If only I had the wherewithall to have brought my cell phone, I could have snapped a photo to prove this to the nonbelievers.

After all this, I suppose it was my turn to give passers-by a funny show. While loading my wheels back in the vehicular, I climbed in the drivers seat, cranked on the engine and shut the door. Little did I know my Uncle JuneBug had flown his blind self into the car and was closed in there with me. I freaked out, threw the door open and jumped out in a gross panic. ALl limbs were flailing and screetches were reportedly heard as far as the Grand Canyon. All the while fellow bikers looking at me as though I were koo-koo for cocoa-puffs. Needless to say, after this day of excitement, I was ready to sit down and enjoy some fabulous garlic chicken wings (pic #2) with my favorite fashionista. God Bless the OB Noodle House and my cool homechic for making the introduction! (much love Pina)

BONUS: Randomocity for today. More of a frightening sight than anything else.... How abnormal is it to have a nondescript red hazardous waste bag and a frozen hand (gloved) in the freezer of medical office??? (see top photo above)

TGI Mutha *bleepin* F!

CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM THE CHURCH???

Fashionista on the prowl

I am con amore for these Christian Louboutin heels!!!! Someone pinch me please!!!! OK, so I may not have the latest and greatest fashions on the runway, but these ditties are perennials! Seriously, I can invision myself wearing any of the three with jeans in the winter or a micro mini in the summer.

None of the three are cheap, and seeing as I am living a poverty lifestyle at the moment, the next step is to hatch a plan and figure out which one of my suiters will see the pouty lower lip and puppy dog eyes. It may take some long term hustling and flirting the sexy charm, but in the end, donning my paws in these beauties will be worth it. Now... (rubs chin in deep thought) who will be the fugleman in this endeavor?

Martes

What a crazy day! Work was the normal routine, an argosy of charts to scan and a monobrow doctor watching over my partner and I as though we were Bonnie and Clyde reincarnated. Seriously, I could care less if a patient has internal hemorrhoids or a history of gastric blockages. I am worried enough about my own distended liver due to criminal amount of alcohol content quaffed over the summer months. I'm sure by now it looks like the Tijuana river after a rainfall.

Leaving early, I drove like a bat out of hell to get my son from school and to the doctor for a Polo physical by 2pm. A clean bill of health was reported and he gleefully skipped off to practice. I not-so-gleefully dragged my brogues home to clean a bedroom from a baby powder spill, including behind a dresser. Egads!

Two hours later I was treated to dinner theater when my goofy daughter brought me a plate and gave me a fashion show of her new school britches, purchased by the grands. Her pompadour has now been straightened permanently and she has become intensely fashion conscience. My little diva is growing up. As I wipe a sentimental tear from the corner of my eye, I will sign off for the night. Since I can't turn back the clock, I better get that wrinkle cream out and moisturize. The sun has set on this Tuesday.

Monday Ranting

There is something that really gets under my skin and rubs me the wrong way… how on earth does a cable channel that dubs itself “The Learning Channel” actually validate and glamorize children’s beauty pageants?

Out of sheer morbid curiosity I watched the TLC show “Toddlers and Tiara’s.” Disgusting, tasteless, exploitive; a child molesters dream come true. The show depicts children, predominantly girls, strutting around on stage, most with full makeup, hair pieces, and costumes that are skin tight.

The parents spend exorbitant amount of money on these competitions, the lowest quoted on the episode I watched was $3,000. The gowns and costumes are usually custom designs. There are professional hair stylists and make-up artists on the payroll, regular tanning sprays and veneer mouth pieces custom made to cover missing front teeth. What message does this send to young, impressionable children? Natural occurrences in life like loosing teeth, having pale winter skin or wearing jeans and a t-shirt is deemed not good enough. The children are coached for hours a day in rehearse dance routines, modeling poses and answering the typical line of questions coming from judges.

In a struggling economy this money would be wisely invested for long term goals or saved for this child’s higher education. Will someone please tell me how a room full of trophies, ribbons, sashes and such will benefit a high school graduate when it’s time to go to college? OK, so the competitions build confidence, but wouldn’t sports do the same thing, while promoting a sense of team sportsmanship in lieu of one on one competition? What happens when these children grow up and swallow the reality pill that the world does not, in fact, revolve solely around them? They end up being Paris Hiltonesque or so arrogant they have no real social skills.

(please note.. by adding photo's I am not trying to condone the act, rather show an example of the extent parents go to to enhance their child's appearance.)

Sunday Kind of Love

The end to another fabulous weekend in America's Finest City has come to a close. Where do I begin? Well, let's see......

Friday night began with a early dinner date to Bennigans where I consumed 1/4 of my Monte Cristo sandwich, garnished with two long island iced teas. Immediately after dinner, my date, feeling rather bold, brought me to the mall where he proceeded to brazenly enter Victorias-not-so-Secret and peruse the unmentionables drawer, picking the "perfect" ones for me. Something tells me this was not his first panty-raid rodeo. I was home and in a comfy bed by 10pm, which was a welcome feeling after a very long week.

Saturday brought the typical laundry list of weekend agenda's. Groceries, errands, housekeeping, etc. My plan (as usual) was to schlump around within the boundaries of my domicile all evening but alas, AF called and pleaded for me to go out. Apparently browsing bridal magazines with the older sister (aka BrideZilla) was not her idea of an entertaining Saturday night. We headed to my local watering hole and kicked up some dust with the obligatory attendance sheet of fugitives. Feeling very Mae West, I did my share of innocent flirtation for a few adult beverages. In this economy a girl has to do what a girl has to do, right? Even in the trenches of a neighborhood bar, gentlemen do exist. A few felonious capers later we called it a night and pretty much passed out.

After rather grudgingly removing myself from the chalk line this morning, the hind quarter was washed and the day’s adventure of fun in the sun commenced with my bestest bud. Although we are proletarian riders, we loaded up the cruisers and took off for lands unknown. The veld known as Fiesta Island sparked our interest (pictured above) thus the journey began. It is four miles around but we were back at our origin with 30 minutes, so we rolled a second lap. The sweetest sight of the day was watching a doting father and his heavily padded pee wee footballer practicing tackles in the sand. The rest of the day was spent updating the IPod for this week’s listening pleasure and laying out work cloths. And now, it is time to close the laptop, turn off the light, and catch some beauty sleep.

What a glorious weekend. I feel like I just landed on three cherries at the Indian slots.

A Day in the Life of Moi

5:00 alarm/snooze

5:10 snooze

5:15 snooze

5:20 snooze

5:25 snooze

5:30 dragged out of bed

5:35 emptied the bladder, both mom and dog, started pot of coffee

5:45 shower

6:00 moisturized, filled cup #1 and looked at closet with zero interest. Looked at bed with 100% interest.... but I digress.... an hour later....

7:00 in car with laptop, scanner, toolbox, and cup #2

7:13 traffic jam, yet again. When will Ford Festiva's realize they are no match for an 18 wheeler?

7:45 arrive at first audit. Coffee has spilled. Cloths smell like Columbia's finest, I am still thinking about that warm bed at home....

8:00 first audit begins. NOT! Laptop decides it wants to chill out. Thank Goodness it wasn't due to my coffee fiasco.

8:10 call to IT dept for telefix. It works, back in business. On to auditing. 40 charts later..

11:30 lunchbreak. go to car only to realize the smell of coffee has permeated every nook and cranny, AND my lunch is still at home sitting on the kitchen counter. I am broke. Change is scraped for a 99 cent corndog at The Schnitz. Headed to next office, realize gas is required.

11:45 arrive at the gas station, only to find all pumps are locked, the station was just robbed. Police arrive, ask me for a statement, of which I have none. I'm let go but running on fumes. No time to make another gas attempt so I forge on with God as my co-pilot.

12:15 arrive at second office, only to find it locked. Our appointment was confirmed less than 24 hours ago. Corporate office notified, I am told to wait. I catch up on Dr. Laura.

1:15 Doors open, Snarky McSnarkson tells me they have been there the whole time and I must have not knocked on the door. (I most certainly did, I have red knuckles to prove it!) Begrudgingly she allows me in.

1:3o second audit begins.

4:00 All goes well, I finish early and attempt to hightail it home before traffic becomes my next obstacle. This was apparently the day for drivers of tin cans to roll as though they acquired their drivers license at Disneyland.

4:09 Another collision. Lookie Loo's ruberneck while I send prayers to God to just get me home before I am completly drained of fuel. I tell myself as soon as I exit I'll fill up. Get caught up in talk radio discussion. What gas? Maybe I need to buy some of those vitamins everyone raves about because that is supposed to help memory. But I can't remember the name of them.

4:45 arrive home to two teenagers who apparently do not know how to make a freekin sandwich because they "are starving". In a house full of snacks, groceries, fruit... but there's "nothing to eat" in their eyes.

5:05 dinner ready. Chicken Alfredo, salad and garlic bread. Kids make plates, I am too tired to lift a fork.

5:10 grab the laptop, head upstarirs to upload audit information. Great, internet connection is down. TV is flipped on. Fantastic, so is the cable. Let's try water, maybe that works.

5:15 shower.

5:45 moisturize, slide into comfy jammies, internet working, so charts are uploaded.

7:00 finally time for Judy Judy and a glass of wine. Son comes in room. Needs appointments set, others rescheduled, and of course, money for something "detrimental to his weekend". What a freekin croc 'o caca.

7:28 daughter comes in room. Wants to play a board game. I want to read and pour that wine as I missed Judge Judy due to arguing with a 17 year old hormonal boy who is stressed about his drivers test, but the board game over rules.

8:30 after 3 rounds of Battleship I can't take anymore. Emails are checked, Ipod updated, bills paid online and a few texts exchanged. I remember I never got that gas. Carrajo! Cloths are thrown on, I bizounce to get some petrol. The kids decide they want to come with me and go to Baskin Robbins because its 99 cent cone night. I'm out anyway, so what the heck. We all get ice cream.

9:00 back home. dog mad that we left him, so he has crapped on the floor I just mopped 2 days ago. Dog is beat down, put in kennel, pooped cleaned up. Ice ream has melted. I throw it out.

9:18 pour a tall glass of Pinot G, go to my room, imbibe the glass down in one shot and crawl into my bed. Since my entire sustenance consumption for the day was coffee, corndog, bottled water and a lollipop, the wine goes straight to the point.

In a few hours will all start over.

I am really livin' the good life ya'll so please don't hate on me. =)

Need I say More???

Someone get me a Snickers and a Midol STAT.

No sudden movements or snarky artitudes and no one gets hurt

Mixed Emotions

Love blooms fresh and new, budding with all the hope and excitement of promising adventures, never knowing what lies waiting around the bend. The possibilities are endless, dreaming of homes, children, lifestyle and a love continuing to grow well into the golden years. Even those retired years are marveled about, perhaps traveling or spending time with the grandkids. The garden is full of roses and even the rainy days bring rainbows. They are appreciated as an extra snuggle day, an excuse to pop a bowl, put on your flannel jammies and curl up in front of a movie with your betroved.

It is a sad state of circumstances when two people so seemingly destined for one another fall apart. The home, children and lifestyle may still exist, but the roses have thorns and the rainy days just piss you off because your car gets dirty. Bad moods are common and spouses become punching bags when emotions run amok. The very thought of being with your once-priceless love annoys you, whether or not it is conscience. Suddenly things that once were a minor irritation are unable to be overlooked. There is no shortage of blame to be found. Each party finds themselves seeking outside distractions merely to avoid the homestead. When thinking about that rainbow, it is only to figure out how much of that pot o’ gold belongs to you.

What does a couple do when they reach this diagnosis, especially when neither feels they are in the wrong, nor will take ownership of their mistakes? Both are stubborn as a constipated mule, neither willing to extend the proverbial olive branch to cross the barrier of communication.

Too many calendar months are flipped, putting off the inevitable. Someone wise once told me “We cant live for tomorrow, so make the best of today. Tomorrow is never promised.” These words ring true here. If only a peace offering is found, a middle ground located, a compromise reached, perhaps a couple can work through the issues before surrendering to the dreaded “D” word. The vows quoted for better or for worse need to be reminded here. This qualifies as “worse” and extra effort needs to be put forth.

All these thoughts from a twice divorced person. Pot meet kettle. I pray for a better outcome with these two individuals, to truly have the happily ever after, even if it includes changing one another’s diapers. Now where did I put that white flag..............

Cranky Sunday Beginnings

Holy hormonal dreams Batman! I woke up this morning feeling extremely cantankerous due to some rather unsettling dreams throughout the night. To alleviate this yucky state of mind I slipped into the comfy confines of my daughter's bed and snuggled up for a spell. Let's see how the rest of the day goes.

So far..... A trip to the mall for those back-to-school "essentials" (I use that word loosely) for a teenage boy who thinks money grows on tree's.... I hold my expectations relatively low for my mood rising, so keep me in your prayers ya'll....... by 2 p.m. the authorities may be looking for a deranged mother wandering through the mall parking lot talking to the fire hydrants and car alarms.

Saturday Bliss

Vodka/OJ $10.00
Sunshine $0.00
OB Noodle House $30.00
Good times with a special galpal: priceless

Today was a fabulous day in the life of yours truly.

By high noon I was sitting in the "Sunshine" with a cold drink in hand, great conversation flowing and enjoying a typical summer day in Ocean Beach with one of my favorite confidantes. After quenching our thirsties we headed to the OB Noodle house. My first trip there and I guarentee it will not be my last. We sparged on edaname, garlic wings and beef noodles. DE-LISH!!! Now I am home, chilling with my favorite canine, babying a full tummy and anxiously waiting for tonight's 48-Hour Mystery to start. What a lucky girl I have to have days like this.

Photo credit: Miss N.G. {Pina}

**** Weekending ****

As the work week comes to an end, I am catching up on mundane tasks life requires... laundry, dinner, bedroom cleaning etc. The cheerful chambermaid has a fun filled weekend planned. Tonight enduces the weekend early with Atlanta Housewives.

Luckily, I was able to shift my Friday schedule to get out of the audit early, YAY!!! A local hotspot is in the mix with a new co-worker who seriously needs to let her hair down and have a good time. Saturday I am looking forward to mimosa's by 11 am with mi amore especial, Pina. She will be leaving me soon for a new life in LA and parting will indeed be sweet sorrow. We shall imbibe, catch up on the latest life drama and enjoy the sunshine. Sunday will be resting peacefully and preparing to sink back into the abyss of medical record audits. The cycle of life continues.

But for now... Bring it on Nene

~~~Monsoon Season~~~

In recent weeks it seems as though I am putting out some type of pheremonous vibe and attracting the male species in record numbers. Last month I was wasting good lip gloss on undeserving chaps and this month I can barely keep the old puckers glossy. I am not in the habit of frog kissing nor am I seeking my prince but I must admit I have rather enjoyed the attention.

MF continues to put in work and vibe for my affections. He has made grandois efforts to free his schedule and allow that quality time we were lacking in the past. In addition, on my Los Angeles jaunt a few weeks ago I had a naughty little fling with MW and flirted with JG just short of a criminal level. And if this were not enough, a few old loves have resurfaced pleading the court for their probationary rights to be reinstated. What’s a girl to do? Although there are waves of affection rolling through like high tide, not one has swept me away.

I remember the days of the mariposa in my stomach or the minutes seemingly crawling by at molluscan speed until you see your amore again. I long for the type of spark that ignites a smile at the very thought of that person, the memory of their touch turning your skin inferno hot. Do these blazes still exist?

Burlesque To Bookworm

Last night was reminiscent of my younger years when I was a party animal and lived on the edge of spontaneity. After finally arriving back home at 8 am, I crawled under the covers and crashed out until 1 pm. I don’t even know where to start so I think I will just keep this story under wraps for now. But it included Frazee Paint, a trench coat, stiletto heels, taco’s, blond dreadlocks and the ultimate temptation. Intrigued??? Stay tuned….

As for tonight, I enjoyed a yummy family dinner at Olive Garden with the parental units and two of the four bro-hams. With a stuffed tummy I donned my most comfy sleeping garb, grabbed a book and the remote and crawled into bed. I am staying in tonight and enjoying the 48-Hour mystery and a awesome, thought provoking book. Buenos notches.